Pray the Gay Away?

Thanks to the Oprah Winfrey Network (the new OWN channel) we have some new shows to watch on TV and Our America with Lisa Ling is among one of them that I am interested in watching.

Todays episode was “Pray the Gay Away?” along with a very special primetime episode of the new Gayle King Show where they discuss the episode, take calls and talk to participants from the documentary.

I think that every gay person has their own beliefs as to why there is homosexuality. My own partner of 17 years believes that he is gay because of his parents’ failed marriage when his father came back from the Korean War in the mid 50’s. His father came home mentally traumatized and their relationship ended and his father eventually passed away. He believes that the destruction of his parents marriage and subsequent death is what turned him gay. And he has every right to have his opinion whether I or anyone else disagrees with it.

I personally believe that I was born this way because I’ve always had an attractiveness towards the same-sex since I met a cute boy named Ruben when I was 4 years old. I had dreams about him and I just knew that I liked him. There was nothing out of the ordinary that made me choose to like him, I just did.

I mean, one could argue that I may have turned gay because of the abuse I endured throughout my childhood but I didn’t know any better. I thought it was normal for parents to beat their children and call them stupid and retarded and worthless among other names. I saw the way my aunt and uncle raised their 3 kids which was basically the same or worse so that there told me, it’s normal. My cousins were treated way worse than I was and they all turned out straight and so did my sister.

So in my case I just don’t believe that my being abused the same way as 4 other people had any impact on my sexuality because I was the only gay one.

I do have other cousins from a different aunt and uncle who treated their kids like human beings and 2 of them turned out lesbian after suffering no childhood trauma. So what does that tell you? They raised 5 kids and 2 of them turned out differently despite all of them being treated with the same love.

The argument that there is no evidence of a gay gene and that it’s all taught to you, you are born straight but you turn gay from your environment is all bullcrap to me. Maybe the gay gene isn’t meant to be found, maybe we’re chosen for this life for population control or who knows, maybe something else.

This Exodus group tells people that they can change and I feel it is wrong because the only person who can change you is you. If you are gay and you are just so unhappy about it and want to put in the effort to turn straight then go for it. Don’t expect for it to work because you will always be gay no matter what they tell you. But if you are in that much pain about it and you have the will power then fine. Do what you like, it’s your body. But don’t turn around and condemn those who refuse to live a lie for the rest of their existence.

This one woman (whose name escapes me) who is a pastor and says she was a lesbian for 14 or so years but then decided to be straight, she compares homosexuality with addiction to drugs or alcohol. I can’t even begin to think what Bullcrap that is because I’ve been gay for 40 years and celibate for the last 10. I am not going through withdrawals lol. I didn’t go through withdrawals 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 2 years ago, 1 year ago or today. I am completely withdrawal free and unfortunately still sex free but that was never my choice, it was the choice of my partner who has erectile dysfunction (he’s 21 years older than I am) so I have to respect that.

Of course being a born again Christian he tells people that he is abstaining from sex not because of his “ED” but because he is a “non-practicing homosexual” so the church won’t kick him out. And hey, if that’s what you have to do then that’s what you have to do. I have no ill feelings about him for any of that.

That only thing that pissed me off throughout the whole show was that ex-lesbian woman comparing sexuality to addiction. I think that I am living proof that it was never an issue of “I gotta have it” because I don’t gotta have anything. I can certainly abstain with the help of my old childhood friend Tom Thumb and his 4 brothers.

Look if you are a born again christian and you feel that being gay means you are going to hell for it and don’t want that then change yourself because that is what you want to do. Don’t let anyone fool you into thinking it’s wrong because it’s not wrong, it’s natural to want to live a happy life and for someone to tell you that you are sinning are themselves sinning for taking gods job away by acting as judge. There is a recession so let God do his job.

It’s 2011. When is racism and bigotry going to end? Is it going to be soon?

We all believe in what we all want to believe in and these opinions are what I believe in. Thank you for reading.

As for my relationship, our 17 year anniversary is in 2 1/2 weeks. Even I can’t believe it has been 17 years. I am with the person I was meant to be with whether sex is involved in the relationship or not. Sex doesn’t make a relationship, it is only a part of it and who says it even has to be any part of it after so many years? We love each other just the way we are, thin or fat, sick or healthy, till death do we part. In this life and the next as I feel I have found my true soul mate and no church can convince us otherwise.

Autobiography Research

I went looking on the Rainbow ebooks website for an autobiography and they don’t have that category so I searched in biography which is empty. So I went to the borders website to find a gay autobiography in e-book format but unfortunately there are 34,537 biographies. They have many categories so you can narrow down your search but there were none in the “gay” category so I thought…. GOOGLE!

Note: I searched Borders because I have $15 borders bucks from doing surveys with e-rewards.com and I’m tired of only being able to get $25 Game Stop cards. I was never really interested in the other rewards they offer but now that I have a Nook I figure I might as well get some ebooks out of it.

So I went to the Google search engine and typed “Autobiography of a gay person” and this is what came up.

glbtq >> literature >> Autobiography, Gay MaleIn its first century of existence, gay male autobiography has become increasingly more open, frank, and unapologetic…

Edward Carpenter’s “My Days and Dreams” was published in 1890. Like other early gay male autobiographies, the book was reticent about its author’s intimate relationships.

This is the very first autobiography of a gay person and it was published in 1890. You know what first came to mind? A book that was published in 1890 is now out of print which means… It’s FREE!

I turned my Nook on, went to the shop menu, chose e-books then typed in the name of this book and it was the 2nd thing in the list and it said it was from Google and it was free!

So now I get to do my research from a pioneer. Although, his experience is going to be totally different from mine given the fact that they were from BLOODY 1890… but still. It will help me anyway.

Ghostly Dreams

ghostI’ve been watching all these ghost videos on YouTube that it has entered my dreams lol.

The one thing that I’ve learned from watching Ghost Hunters on the SyFy (formerly Sci-Fi) channel is that they can’t hurt you.  Well, they kinda can because Jason has gotten scratches and they show people with scratches on their back that they couldn’t have possibly done to themselves.  And there was that one Halloween episode where Grant was being held back and you could see the collar of his jacket being tugged on.  But is that really hurting?

The videos on YouTube that I’ve been watching have been that stupid “Pantry Ghost” video where you can see hands and a face through the glass but someone has proven that it is a fake by showing you how they do it.  So I don’t believe in that one.  This same person has also shot video of himself playing hide n’ seek with his daughter and at the very end you see what appears to be a ghostly apparition in the corner by the dresser.  Well, that could’ve easily been faked using the same techniques as the pantry video.  They also made a video of going into a room and seeing a ghost girl standing up and then another where he opens the board to theattic and he sees a ghost girl turning around to see the camera.  Those are all fake because you cannot see through the ghost, it’s a solid apparition.

I’ve actually had encounters with “ghosts” in my bedroom.  Feeling a cat jump up on the bed and walk around.  That happens sometimes but I’ve accepted that it’s a kitty cat ghost, it can’t hurt me so it doesn’t frighten me in the least.  And one night, this only happened once, I was laying in bed and I felt what seemed like 4 cats on the bed but then I felt as though someone just sat down on the edge of the bed.  The edge of the bed felt like it was pressed down.  You could feel someone sitting.  I didn’t move because I didn’t want to scare it, it didn’t scare me.  I even said hello to it.  I eventually fell asleep.

But last night I had this dream that there was this ghost in the house and it was stalking me.  I went to the front door and there was a piece of furniture sitting in front of the door and it was keeping me in the house.  But I can’t put any stock into that dream because some how our toy chihuahua dog “Flower” duplicated so I had 2 “flowers” lol.

It still scared me, I was frightened and basically just scared out of my mind.  But I know that it was just a dream, they can’t hurt me.  I have to just keep saying and thinking that they cannot hurt me.

I saw “ghosts” as a kid, so did my older sister, my mother told me that she sees them too and that if I feel scared then perhaps it’s not good, it’s “evil” and to say the “lords prayer”.  Well, personally I don’t believe in evil as in hell or the devil.  I do believe in evil as in people who are evil such as those who have murdered other people and laughed about it and don’t regret it or apologize for it.  So I guess if a ghost can be good as people can be good then a ghost can be evil as people can be evil.  It works both ways.

I think the only way to stop those dreams is to stop watching YouTube ghost videos that try to scare you lol.

Future PSP Dream

I had this dream that I was in a department store like Wal-Mart or whatever, I don’t remember where it was.  Sometimes in dreams you end up somewhere and you have no idea where.  And I was in the electronics department (yeah big surprise lol) and there was a PSP sitting on a box in front of the counter and it was turned on.

I picked it up and showed the sales lady that there was a PSP on the box and she said it’s a demo, go ahead and play with it.  I looked at it and it was odd.  The screen wasn’t as glossy as the PSP-2000, I’m guessing it was the same as the PSP-3000.  And the right side was missing completely.  The buttons were gone as well as the top right button.  It was obviously smoothed out so it wasn’t cut.  I cropped an image of a PSP to show how it looked.

pspbatman

Obviously the button on the bottom wasn’t cut in half in the dream, Actually there wasn’t any space between the bottom of the screen and the bottom of the PSP.  I don’t know what buttons were on the left side but there were buttons.  And it was all touch screen too.  Oh and I remember it was so light too.  I mean, my PSP is light but the PSP is my dream was so much lighter, it was like half the weight of the current PSP Slim.

I touched the screen and moved my finger and the screen changed, I mean it moved as if I was pressing the arrow buttons to move around.  I’m assuming the buttons on the left were the triangle, square, circle and x buttons.

It was really cool but then all of a sudden I was outside and there was a tiger in a tree trying to save her cub and there was a woman in a dress which was dark green then faded to light green and had these black lines on them.  All of a sudden the tigers fur changed and it looked just like the dress as if it were a chameleon.

Weird huh?

Dream

I have the weirdest dreams. I had to blog this before I forgot it. I am already starting to forget most of the dream but the main thing I want to write about is that we were running around and we had these duffel bags and my duffel bag had a camcorder and my PSP and my house keys inside it along with clothes and whatever, I don’t know what else actually.

Anyway, we stopped carrying them and at some point we were passing where we left them and they were gone and I said our bags are gone and Darrin looked at me like OMG WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW!!!! And I turned to him and said “don’t worry, this is just a dream. I will wake up and that stuff will be where it’s supposed to be.” Then when I did wake up I was like whew hehe. But I find it strange that I knew that it was a dream so I chose not to stress over it in my dream.