Depression

depression-1

Do you mind if I vent for a minute?  I wouldn’t normally blog about this because it happens to me a lot, but sometimes I just have to get it out.

Imagine being in high school and the other kids are pointing and laughing at you because of whatever reason.  You don’t quite fit their definition of the perfect human, so they point and laugh.  Well, imagine being 42 years old and people (adults) driving by your house while you’re walking the dog and they slow down as they are passing you and are blatantly pointing and laughing at you.  Not just one person in the car, but the driver and his three passengers.  It doesn’t feel good, I know because that happens to me a lot, in fact it happened to me again today.

There is an apartment building in our neighborhood that just so happens to be a section-8 apartment building, not that there is anything wrong with people who have to be on section-8, but that apartment seems to attract the lowest of the low.  There are mostly gang members and ever since they moved in to that building last year, they have been calling me “Big Gay Al” whenever I ride to the store.  As a matter of fact, I was exercising on my bike, riding 23 miles a day trying to lose weight and it was their “Big Gay Al” that made me stop riding.  It put me in a deep depression and I just gave up on trying to lose weight.  Since then they drive by laughing at me.

What’s funny is that they walk by the house all the time either alone or in groups and never once say a word to me, it’s only when they are in their car when they start spewing all this vile hatred at me.  That to me is cowardly.  I mean, calling me names is cowardly on it’s own, but doing it in a way that they don’t have to worry about confrontation because they have a vehicle to drive away is even more cowardly.

Look, I know it’s not going to be the rest of my life, that these asshats are only here until either their lease is up or until they get so many complaints that they end up getting evicted, but it still hurts that I have to be the target.  I’m sure they pick on other people, but I seem to be one of their main targets.  And it’s not just them, there have been other tenants who have targeted me and they tortured me for the duration of their tenancy in that building.  I don’t know how or why I have become the target though.  Is it because I am bald, fat, gay or all of the above?

I am just so irritated.  I’ve been down in the dumps the whole day because of it.  When I get upset I have panic attacks and all of a sudden I’m really hungry and have to eat whatever I can get my hands on.  I don’t want to blame people for my obesity, but they are certainly a factor.

“It Gets Better!”  I just have to keep telling myself that.

I just want to cry my eyes out because I don’t know what else to do.  I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I know blogging about this didn’t make me feel any better, but it was a step.  I’m sorry you had to read that lol.

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Stray Cats

Kitty Cat

There are a lot of stray cats in our neighborhood and most of them are feral so they don’t really come up to me.  People are always wanting to feed them and when you feed them they become tame but those people don’t take responsibility for them.

There was a black cat who Darrin wanted to feed and he told me to feed him so like a dummy I went to the grocery store and bought some cat food.  Then this orange one came along and he decided that we’re his new family.  I didn’t want to feed him because I figured if I didn’t feed him then he would go away and find someone else but he didn’t.

One morning I woke up and was going to go to the back yard to change his water and put more food in there and he was inside of our patio.  It’s an enclosed patio and at first I thought Darrin put him in there but when I asked him he didn’t know what I was talking about.

The next day I went out there and he was in the patio again.  I couldn’t understand how this Houdini was getting in.  Then it hit me, he is getting up on the roof of the garage and he finds his way to the screen that is supposed to be tacked onto the wood below the gutters and he jumps down onto the floor of the patio.

Now when I go out there to put him outside he doesn’t want to go.  I have to trick him with food to get him to leave but he knows my tricks lol.

I don’t want another cat!  I had a cat for 12 years, I feel like I did my time, why should I have to spend another, goodness knows how many years, having to clean another litter box?  The problem is, I have a very weak immune system, I can’t be scooping poop and breathing it every day.  I was always sick when we had our cat Shanaynay (rest in peace) and I vowed I would never go through that again and now I feel like it’s being forced on me.

I tacked the screen back on which wasn’t very difficult to do.  I watched the cat jump onto the patio roof in our back yard and jump onto the garage roof then saw where he was getting in.  There is a ladder leaning up against the wall where he gets in so he sort of climbs down to the top of the ladder then jumps to the ground.  It’s quite hilarious how he figure that out.  But, I don’t want the other cats to get the same idea so I had to tack it down again to close that off.

This cat has learned to live with staying in our back yard all the time.  I feed him in the morning and at night and he’s very happy.  When I take the dog out at night he is out there and wants to be petted.  He and the dog are friends now which is sweet because our dog used to try to chase cats when she saw them.

I told Chips case worker about the cat and the first thing she said was “stay away from the poppy” which I already knew.

I hope he finds a new home.  It’s not that I don’t want him because he is a very sweet cat, it’s just I can’t afford him and I am allergic to cats so I really shouldn’t have him around me.  I don’t regret the 12 years that we had our cat Shanaynay because I loved her to death but I won’t do it again.  I’m happy with just having a dog lol.

I Am NOT Big Gay Al!

You know how a certain minority always get picked on for being that specific minority?  Well, this is one minority who is 40 and is still being picked on.

I haven’t been bothered by anyone in a long time.  The last time anyone bothered me for being… well… alive was when these people were living in the section-8 apartment building in my neighborhood.  They chose us specifically to pick on because they knew we were gay and we were their way, at least I think anyway, to fly under the radar themselves by choosing someone else to pick on.  That’s what bullies do after all, they know they have their own skeletons so they find someone else to put the focus on to take it off of themselves.  Oddly enough, the guy who was constantly picking on us was gay.  Yes, you guessed it, skeletons.

So they moved out because Darrin found out who the building owner was and contacted him and told him all about the troubles that that guy, nay, that family have caused in the neighborhood, so the whole lot of them were evicted.  It wasn’t just because of Darrin, it was also because the cops had been called one too many times to deal with him/them.

Over the last couple of years that apartment building has had many people coming and going.  Recently however there have been some new people who have moved in who have proved to be nothing but trash.  They sit out in front of the apartment building with music blaring inside.  I normally don’t see an issue with that if they aren’t bothering anyone but now they are bothering me.

I rode my bike to a family members house to go bike riding with her.  As we were riding back to her house when we were coming home they shouted something at us.  I didn’t understand what they were saying and decided I didn’t really care.  If you let them know they are upsetting you then they have the power.  They know what buttons to press and will continue to press that button because it excites them.  When I was riding home from her house they shouted at me again but I still didn’t understand what they were saying because I ignored them.

Not too long after that I decided I needed some groceries so I rode my bike to the store.  That time I understood what they were saying.  They were calling me Big Gay Al.  They were saying it so fast before that I just couldn’t understand but I got the message.

Why are they calling me big gay al you ask?  Well, I’m, for the lack of a better word, Big.  Big Gay Al is a character in the Comedy Central show South Park.  His character at the beginning of the series represented all of the gay animals who had been abandoned by their kind because they were gay.  Big Gay Al rescues them and helps them be who they are by supporting them.

Still… what does that have to do with me?  Well, I have a toy chihuahua who I walk outside in the front of the house at least 10-20 times per day.  Toy Chihuahua’s are typically a dog that you see on tv that rich and/or people carry around like accessories these days as are most small dogs.

So these idiots see that I’m fat and they just assume that I’m gay based on I don’t know what because I certainly don’t act gay and I don’t think I look gay, whatever gay looks like.  They see that I have a gay-ish type of dog and they target me to call me Big Gay Al.

So far it is just today that I was called that but tonight, as I write this, they have taken it a step further by banging on our door and running away like little cowards.  I can see how this is going to end.  I have already suggested to Darrin to call the owner of the building and let him know what he has living in that apartment building.

Since they have moved into the neighborhood, a few houses have been robbed.  Our tenant and the house next door to us.  Why did they skip us?  Maybe because they see that I’m home all the time so they don’t bother me.  I have a feeling that these jerks are the people who have been robbing houses and wonder how long before they try to rob us now that they “see” me.

We have lived in this neighborhood for 11 years, I don’t see why I have to put up with this bullcrap.  I used to be able to ride my bike (or walk) to the grocery store on Eye St. and back but now I have to ride out of my way to avoid these jerks.  That’s not right that I should have to change my life to avoid anyone.

I’m waiting for the “it gets better” speech…

A Golden Retriever Was Hit on H Street in Bakersfield

Tonight at around 6:15pm we were driving along H Street here in Bakersfield going to Hometown Buffet (which we didn’t know is closed for renovation, we ended up going to Denny’s) and we passed the saddest thing.

Among all the speeding cars driving around 40-50mph, there was a Golden Retriever laying on the ground between 2 parked cars. He (or she, I don’t know) seemed to be alive, he was laying down but sitting there panting with his head up. There were 2 people standing by the cars and it looked like they were on the phone.

Since we didn’t pull over I don’t know the full details of what happened but I can only speculate that the dog went out into the street and got hit. I can only speculate that the person I saw on the phone may have either seen the dog get hit or they are the driver that hit him. I don’t know. They may have been calling the owner of the dog if the dog had tags on the collar or they might have been calling for help for the dog. Again, I don’t know.

What I do know is that my heart goes out to that dog tonight. I am a very sensitive person, especially when it comes to animals because they aren’t that bright sometimes. We’re always seeing dogs and cats in the street wandering around confused and lost. I don’t know if it has to do with the fact that they were sheltered in a house then suddenly kicked out into the world that they are very confused by or if they just don’t have a lot going on up there.

I know they run out when you least expect it and if you stop suddenly you could end up causing a huge accident so I understand why they end up getting hit. I just wish people would keep their dogs and cats inside the house or inside the fenced in yard. And if you can’t keep the dog then at least find them a new home so there aren’t so many strays out.

There is a house in our neighborhood on 2nd and Eye st. where the dogs have a chain link fence but the driveway gates don’t close tight so the dogs are always running around the neighborhood chasing and barking at people who walk by.  And they are little dogs which is how they were able to get through the driveway gates.  I saw one of them dead over on Chester and 2nd street in the gutter.  I hate seeing dead dogs in the street, especially when you know that dog has a home, their owners just don’t care enough about them to keep them either in the house or get the fence fixed so the dogs don’t go wandering around.

When we came home from dinner I picked up our dog Flower and hugged her and kissed her. Sometimes you don’t appreciate something (or someone) until they are gone, that doesn’t only apply to people either.

Men Soliciting Sex in Parks in Bakersfield

Undercover investigation: Men soliciting sex in parks

That is an article in the BakersfieldNow website.  In the 1970’s and 80’s this was apparently a very typical thing, men going to the park and sitting in the cars and/or going to the bathroom and exposing themselves hoping to have sex with someone either in the bathroom, their car or going somewhere else.

I go on the bike trail and I pass 3 parks (as seen in my BikeCam videos) and I see children playing sports, people exercising and children on bikes, they don’t need to see this.  What is wrong with people?  These children use those bathrooms and that’s the last thing kids need is to go to the bathroom at Yokuts and Beach park and see 2 men having sex.

What really pisses me off is that these people are adding to the laundry list of why straight people hate gay people.  It’s not just gay people, it’s straight people who are doing it but that doesn’t get put in the newspaper or on the news, they focus more on the gay people doing this.  If people want to find other people to have sex why can’t they do what normal people do, go to a bar and end up going home with someone.  Do whatever you gotta do but don’t go to the park and do something gross like having sex in cars and in the bathroom.

I have actually seen men and women making out in cars at 2 parks, 1 of them is by a Catholic school too which is in a neighborhood.  Plus I’ve seen straight people making out at the parking lot across the street from AAA on Truxton Ave.  I see these people doing this and all I can think is that they aren’t married, they are probably cheating on their spouses because trust me, if you are as old as these people are and you are having to make out with someone in your car, you aren’t married to them, you are cheating and most likely because your husband or wife don’t have sex with you anymore so you are sneaking around.

I have seen straight people doing this several times but I have yet to see any gay people in cars.  I don’t ever use the bathroom unless I am so desperate to go to the bathroom.  I’m a bit of a germaphobe so I would prefer not to sit on public toilet seats.  Peeing is one thing but if I see someone standing at a urinal I will use the stall to pee.  I don’t use park bathroom stalls because they don’t have doors.  So you won’t see me in the park bathrooms unless I REALLY needed to go lol.

Blame McDonald’s

I was browsing YouTube and came across this video of Morgan Sperlock from Super Size Me that someone had put the bonus feature from there on their YouTube page.  You know the one where he puts several burgers and fries into jars and watches how they all mold except for the McDonald’s fries.

Then I saw another video of this woman over at diet health channel who used to be fat but hello, she’s not skinny yet… talking about how bad McDonald’s is and she carries around a 4 year old happy meal.

I am not siding with the fast food industry.  And I’m especially not siding with health experts because I’m constantly seeing all these obese people telling me how to lose weight when they are fat themselves.  I had a friend who passed away who was a vegetarian and she was constantly putting me down for eating fast food yet I was 150lbs and she was more in the neighborhood of 400lbs.

All I’m saying is, fast food has been around for decades.  Actually the first McDonald’s opened up in 1940 so there has been fast food for 69 years.  So if eating McDonald’s causes such obesity then why is it that it’s taken until the 1970’s or 1980’s until people started having issues with their weight?

Yes there has been fatness throughout history.  In the last thousand years the only way you could tell the rich was by how fat they were.  All the skinny people were skinny because they were so poor and all the kings and queens were fat.  Obesity was a sign of wealth.  That’s not the case anymore.

But I digress.  You cannot blame the fast food industry for your own obesity because it wasn’t the fast food industry that made people fat, people made themselves fat me included.  I became obese when I quit smoking and started eating more junk than normal because I wasn’t exercising anymore and I was eating more food because I was exchanging one habit for another.  I don’t blame anybody but myself.

When I quit smoking I could’ve done it differently but I didn’t.  I was rewarding myself with ice cream, something that I loved but hardly ever ate because I could never afford it because I was spending all of my money on cigarettes.  Then I started spending what was my cigarette money on fast food.  I could’ve just either saved it and bought groceries maybe or some other treat, maybe video games?  But instead, I ate fast food.  I had a choice.  It was a bad choice but it was mine to make.  They weren’t begging me to eat their food.

And yes their “supersize me” offers were just too good to pass up but I didn’t have to.  In fact, they have such good price now that I don’t even need a large french fry, I can get a small fry for $1 on their dollar menu.  It’s even cheaper now to eat there but you know what?  I don’t eat there and I’m still fat.  I eat fast food sometimes but it’s not daily.  I could probably afford McDonald’s or Taco Bell’s value menu more than I can afford groceries but I choose to buy groceries instead.

I have also chosen to exercise and ride my bike so I am dealing with my obesity by doing something about it and not bitching about how McDonald’s made me fat.  Don’t blame others for your own mistakes.  After all, they are just trying to make a quick buck but you can hold onto that buck and make a better choice instead.  They do have salads after all.  Actually when I worked at McDonald’s as a teenager they had salads and they sold a lot of them too.

Is Bakersfield A Safe Place To Ride A Bicycle?

Is Bakersfield a safe place to ride a bicycle?

This article was in today’s Bakersfield Californian newspaper.

In my opinion it is only safe to ride a bicycle if you are a defensive rider.  If you are watching where you are going, looking both left and right, never crossing the street unless you have the green light (or in some cases walk signal).  Never riding on the wrong side of the road then crossing while a car is turning left (which happened to me).

This one time I was leaving the bike path and I was crossing the street and this pickup truck was pulling out in front of me while he was looking right at me.  He nearly ran me over.  This was about 10am in the morning too so it’s not like he was drinking and driving… that I know of at least.

I have a little mirror that is attached to my helmet and I’m constantly looking at it to see the traffic behind me so I know what is coming at me.

Now I cannot say that it is 100% safe to ride as early as I do because even at 4:30am there are probably still some drunk drivers out there but usually when I ride that early there are maybe 1 or 2 cars every 10 minutes so it’s pretty safe where and when I ride.

You also have to consider the fact that I’m not riding in the busy streets along with traffic.  I start out in a neighborhood and I’m pretty much only in neighborhoods until I get to the bike path so there is not that much danger of getting hit.  And I know a route that gets me to the mall and to Target where it’s through neighborhoods and I never have to drive with traffic.

So is Bakersfield a safe place to ride a bicycle?  I think it is during the morning or during the daytime IF you aren’t driving in traffic where there are no bike paths or where cars are parked right in the bike path.  If you try to ride through neighborhoods then you are safe.  But if you drive alongside cars then there is never a guarantee that you are ever safe.  Even if you are crossing the street you aren’t ever safe because there are always reports of people getting killed while crossing the street.  Is it safe for me to ride here?  Yes, because I am a defensive rider and I pick the best safest routes.

If you live in a city that you aren’t sure where the safest routes are, why not just go to your favorite map website, I go to google maps and I map out my route then I adjust the route so I am going through neighborhoods then I print it out and hold it while riding through that neighborhood so I learn it so the next time I have to go that way I will remember.  And if I don’t remember then I print it out again (if I threw the old map out that is).