Depression

depression-1

Do you mind if I vent for a minute?  I wouldn’t normally blog about this because it happens to me a lot, but sometimes I just have to get it out.

Imagine being in high school and the other kids are pointing and laughing at you because of whatever reason.  You don’t quite fit their definition of the perfect human, so they point and laugh.  Well, imagine being 42 years old and people (adults) driving by your house while you’re walking the dog and they slow down as they are passing you and are blatantly pointing and laughing at you.  Not just one person in the car, but the driver and his three passengers.  It doesn’t feel good, I know because that happens to me a lot, in fact it happened to me again today.

There is an apartment building in our neighborhood that just so happens to be a section-8 apartment building, not that there is anything wrong with people who have to be on section-8, but that apartment seems to attract the lowest of the low.  There are mostly gang members and ever since they moved in to that building last year, they have been calling me “Big Gay Al” whenever I ride to the store.  As a matter of fact, I was exercising on my bike, riding 23 miles a day trying to lose weight and it was their “Big Gay Al” that made me stop riding.  It put me in a deep depression and I just gave up on trying to lose weight.  Since then they drive by laughing at me.

What’s funny is that they walk by the house all the time either alone or in groups and never once say a word to me, it’s only when they are in their car when they start spewing all this vile hatred at me.  That to me is cowardly.  I mean, calling me names is cowardly on it’s own, but doing it in a way that they don’t have to worry about confrontation because they have a vehicle to drive away is even more cowardly.

Look, I know it’s not going to be the rest of my life, that these asshats are only here until either their lease is up or until they get so many complaints that they end up getting evicted, but it still hurts that I have to be the target.  I’m sure they pick on other people, but I seem to be one of their main targets.  And it’s not just them, there have been other tenants who have targeted me and they tortured me for the duration of their tenancy in that building.  I don’t know how or why I have become the target though.  Is it because I am bald, fat, gay or all of the above?

I am just so irritated.  I’ve been down in the dumps the whole day because of it.  When I get upset I have panic attacks and all of a sudden I’m really hungry and have to eat whatever I can get my hands on.  I don’t want to blame people for my obesity, but they are certainly a factor.

“It Gets Better!”  I just have to keep telling myself that.

I just want to cry my eyes out because I don’t know what else to do.  I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I know blogging about this didn’t make me feel any better, but it was a step.  I’m sorry you had to read that lol.

I Am NOT Big Gay Al!

You know how a certain minority always get picked on for being that specific minority?  Well, this is one minority who is 40 and is still being picked on.

I haven’t been bothered by anyone in a long time.  The last time anyone bothered me for being… well… alive was when these people were living in the section-8 apartment building in my neighborhood.  They chose us specifically to pick on because they knew we were gay and we were their way, at least I think anyway, to fly under the radar themselves by choosing someone else to pick on.  That’s what bullies do after all, they know they have their own skeletons so they find someone else to put the focus on to take it off of themselves.  Oddly enough, the guy who was constantly picking on us was gay.  Yes, you guessed it, skeletons.

So they moved out because Darrin found out who the building owner was and contacted him and told him all about the troubles that that guy, nay, that family have caused in the neighborhood, so the whole lot of them were evicted.  It wasn’t just because of Darrin, it was also because the cops had been called one too many times to deal with him/them.

Over the last couple of years that apartment building has had many people coming and going.  Recently however there have been some new people who have moved in who have proved to be nothing but trash.  They sit out in front of the apartment building with music blaring inside.  I normally don’t see an issue with that if they aren’t bothering anyone but now they are bothering me.

I rode my bike to a family members house to go bike riding with her.  As we were riding back to her house when we were coming home they shouted something at us.  I didn’t understand what they were saying and decided I didn’t really care.  If you let them know they are upsetting you then they have the power.  They know what buttons to press and will continue to press that button because it excites them.  When I was riding home from her house they shouted at me again but I still didn’t understand what they were saying because I ignored them.

Not too long after that I decided I needed some groceries so I rode my bike to the store.  That time I understood what they were saying.  They were calling me Big Gay Al.  They were saying it so fast before that I just couldn’t understand but I got the message.

Why are they calling me big gay al you ask?  Well, I’m, for the lack of a better word, Big.  Big Gay Al is a character in the Comedy Central show South Park.  His character at the beginning of the series represented all of the gay animals who had been abandoned by their kind because they were gay.  Big Gay Al rescues them and helps them be who they are by supporting them.

Still… what does that have to do with me?  Well, I have a toy chihuahua who I walk outside in the front of the house at least 10-20 times per day.  Toy Chihuahua’s are typically a dog that you see on tv that rich and/or people carry around like accessories these days as are most small dogs.

So these idiots see that I’m fat and they just assume that I’m gay based on I don’t know what because I certainly don’t act gay and I don’t think I look gay, whatever gay looks like.  They see that I have a gay-ish type of dog and they target me to call me Big Gay Al.

So far it is just today that I was called that but tonight, as I write this, they have taken it a step further by banging on our door and running away like little cowards.  I can see how this is going to end.  I have already suggested to Darrin to call the owner of the building and let him know what he has living in that apartment building.

Since they have moved into the neighborhood, a few houses have been robbed.  Our tenant and the house next door to us.  Why did they skip us?  Maybe because they see that I’m home all the time so they don’t bother me.  I have a feeling that these jerks are the people who have been robbing houses and wonder how long before they try to rob us now that they “see” me.

We have lived in this neighborhood for 11 years, I don’t see why I have to put up with this bullcrap.  I used to be able to ride my bike (or walk) to the grocery store on Eye St. and back but now I have to ride out of my way to avoid these jerks.  That’s not right that I should have to change my life to avoid anyone.

I’m waiting for the “it gets better” speech…