Invasive Questions About Homosexuality

Interogation

I had to come out of the closet at age 17 because my  mother confronted me about it.  I wasn’t ready to come out, but apparently she was ready for me to come out.  She treated me like dirt, lower than dirt, like pond scum, no, lower than pond scum.  The disgust she had in her facial expression made me feel guilty for being gay, but I knew it wasn’t my fault because I never chose to be gay.  But that wasn’t the only time I ever had to go through that.  I had to come out to every family member.  Some of them were more accepting while others were just as disgusted as my mother was.

It is one thing to come out of the closet to your family, but why do I have to come out of the closet to every person I come into contact with?  Why is it that when I go to a doctor’s appointment and I bring up my health concerns, like my HIV, why is it that my sexuality comes into question?  I recently went to a cardiologist because I need surgery to remove my parotid gland, but in order to do that, I have to have some tests done.  So when the cardiologist read that I was HIV+ he asked me how I became HIV+, so I told him.  His response was “Oh so you’re a homosexual.”  WOW!  Yeah I’m a homosexual, so what?  What the hell does that have to do with what I am here for today?  In what world does that have to come into conversation or into question?  I am gay, not my heart and/or my blood.

A couple of weeks later I had to go back to run on a treadmill and the woman who was doing the test was making conversation.  She asked me if I had any children and all I could think was here we go again.  I responded with no.  Then she asked if I had a wife and again, I said no.  She asked if I had a girlfriend and again, I said no.  She looked at me like you are a 43 year old man without a girlfriend or wife or any children, how can that be?  I told her that I was in a domestic partnership and she asked me what that meant, and I said I was gay.

Okay first of all, she’s there to give me a test.  Her job is to put stickers on my chest with wires and then stand there at the computer pushing buttons while I’m running on the treadmill.  Why is she asking me these questions?  I know that she’s just trying to make conversation, but it made me very uncomfortable.  It’s like people make me feel bad for being gay, like I should apologize to them for being the way I am.  I should never feel bad for being gay.  It’s how I am, how I’ve always been and how I will always be and that is none of anyone’s business but my own.

After she asked me those questions, she asked me if I’ve ever been with a female and I said yes, I tried to “change” because my parents and sister and then brother-in-law were making me feel bad about being gay and constantly telling me that I was going to hell if I didn’t change.  So yes, I slept with a girl, twice.  I hated every minute of it.

I have a story about my uncle, who by the way I looked up to as a child.  He was my hero.  He hung the moon.  When I went to my aunts house when I was homeless and about to start living in a homeless shelter because my mother kicked me out of the house, my aunt called my uncle (her brother) on the phone and made me talk to him.  I was shocked and bothered by his invasive questions.  After he accused me of horrible atrocities against my parents, like beating the crap out of my step-dad which never happened, and then running away from home, he asked “How can you take it up the ass?”  My sister’s ex-husband grilled me with those same questions.  “How can you take it up the ass?”  This coming from the guy who was using the back door on my sister, and the only way I know that is because they told me, multiple times, like they were bragging about it to me.  Why the hell would I want to know that?  They both bragged to me about what a massive dick he had.  Why do I need to know that?  Which begs another question, why is it okay for them to tell me in full detail about their sex life, but if I even mentioned being gay, I was shoving my sexuality down their throats?

I don’t think that it is appropriate for people to constantly ask me these invasive questions about my sexuality.  I don’t go around asking people about their sex life, so why is it that I am shamed and made to feel guilty every time someone asks me about mine despite the fact that it has absolutely no connection to why I am seeing them, like at the cardiologist office for example.

I know that people have questions and the only way to make “them” feel comfortable with gay people is to just respond to their questions to educate them, but why am I responsible for that education?  Why can’t they just buy a book?  Here is one called 101 Frequently Asked Questions About Homosexuality.

Look, I am okay with non-invasive, non-sexual questions.  If someone wants to know something, fine, but don’t make me feel guilty about it.  The male doctor made me feel really bad when he said “Oh so you’re a homosexual.”  The woman who did my treadmill test, well she seemed a bit more accepting and didn’t really make me feel bad, but I still didn’t feel too comfortable.

One of the questions that she asked was when I knew I was gay and that is a question that a lot of people ask.  My response was this and it will always be this.  When I was about 3 or 4, I knew I was different, like in a sexual way.  In other words, I knew I wasn’t straight.  I had never seen a same-sex couple, so naturally I thought I was the only person on the planet who had feelings for someone of the same sex.  I thought there was something wrong with me which is why I kept it to myself.  When I was in the 2nd grade I had a crush on a boy in my class named Adam who lived nearby and we played together.  I had such a huge crush on him that I was dreaming about him.  It wasn’t just a dream like we’re playing in the sandbox or playing on our bikes, they were, you know… boyfriend dreams.  He was my first crush and you almost always dream about your first crush.  So that is a question I don’t mind answering because it tells people that I knew I was gay at a very young age.

Some people think that people who were abused as children become gay.  I don’t think that is true.  I was abused, but that had nothing to do with me being gay.  I mean, why would I be attracted to someone of the same gender if I am being abused by someone of the same gender?  That makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever.  I’ve known straight men who were abused by their fathers, and they never became gay.  So there is no logic in that.

Some people think that being gay is a choice and I can say with certainty that it is not a choice.  Who would choose to have people call them negative names like faggot or choose to get beat up in school for being gay?  Who would choose to be an outcast?  Who in their right mind would ever choose to be different if they knew it was going to make their life a living hell?  Nobody, that’s who.  You choose to be a vegan, you choose to drive a motorcycle as opposed to a car, you choose to wear velcro shoes, you choose your career.  You don’t choose which sexual organ you are attracted to, and you do not choose the sex of the person you are going to fall in love with.  I mean if straight people think being gay is a choice, let me ask this.  When did you choose to be straight?

I believe I was born gay.  If straight people believe they were born straight, then why do they think that I chose to be gay?  Being gay isn’t a choice, but being an asshole is.

Read this article, it tells a lot about sex organs and sexual orientation and when it happens and why.

I am all for educating people, but I don’t feel like I should be obligated to educate everyone on the planet about my sexuality.  I mean, I don’t go around asking straight people invasive questions, so why do I have to put up with it?  If someone wants to know why someone is gay, ask themselves why they are straight.  It’s the same thing.  You are straight because well, that’s just the way you are.  That’s just the way gay people are too.  I’ve been asked how I can take it up the ass, well let me ask how a straight woman can take it up the ass and how can a straight man do it in the ass to a woman?  Why is that such a hard question to ask when straight people do it in the ass all the time?  And why are straight people so obsessed with taking it up the ass?  Straight people are more obsessed with taking it up the ass than gay people are.  I mean seriously dudes, just buy a dildo and get it over with.

I am not Dr. Ruth, so don’t interrogate me about my sexuality and don’t put my sexuality into question.  Educate yourselves on your own time.

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One Million Bigots

Have you read about this whole thing with One Million Moms telling people to protest JCPenny because they have hired Ellen DeGeneres to be their spokesperson?  Take a look at this video posted on YouTube by the Ellen DeGeneres Show.

httpvh://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zNKTTtAXCs&hd=1

So I decided today that I wanted to see who these One Million Moms are and I scrolled down in their page.  I saw a post on their wall telling their One Mill… er um 40 thousand moms to boycott Macy’s because there is a wedding cake in one of their catalogs with 2 dudes on it.  Then they have a post to boycott Home Depot because they have supported gay pride in the past.

Don’t these people have enough to do with their daily lives than to sit around bitching and complaining about gay people?  I mean seriously, don’t they have something else to do?  Like oh I don’t know, maybe focus on their own lives than sit around bitching and complaining about whether I should be allowed to be happy or not.?  I mean, why is it their job to try to control how I live and control who gets to support who and who gets to shop where?

I can see why they are doing that though.  I mean, me being in the gay community am told that I can’t shop at Target because they donated some money to a politician who supported an anti-gay… what was it again?  I don’t even remember, it was someone anti-gay.  We’re told we can’t go to Wal-Mart because they are anti-gay, I have actually been on the side of discrimination and so has a family member who happens to be gay so that I can actually understand.

All JCPenny, Macy’s and Home Depot are doing is showing that they support gay people and they aren’t asshole bigots.  I mean, since when did being an asshole become popular all of a sudden?  Whatever happened to being politically correct?  If being political correct is no longer an option, then why am I trying so hard to not call these women a bunch of ********* (record scratch sound)… because I’m not an asshole bigot, that’s why.  I am not going to stoop to their childish level.

These Christians think that we are the evil ones because we were born differently, but it is my opinion that we aren’t the ones who are evil…

Roku 2

Roku has finally come out with a next-gen version of the Roku internet tv streamer and it is smaller than before.

Now let me see if I can remember how it was before because they don’t have their older models on their site anymore.  The cheaper one did not have HD at all, it was for older model tv’s.  The 2nd one was XD and the 3rd one was XS.  I remember that much.  The XD and XS were the only 2 that had HD in them.  I bought 2 of the XD’s because the only difference between the XD and XS were that the XS had a USB on it so you could hook up a USB drive for looking at external images and/or videos.  I forget what else but it wasn’t that much else.

They have added many more features to the XS now which makes me want it more than the XD.  Like the old XD had wired and wifi internet connection and now only the XS has that.  Well, when I bought the 2 XD’s in January, I had so much trouble with the wifi that I had to plug it in to the router with the wire.

I have several blog posts about the Roku.  The first one was about the Roku and about how I was going to buy it.  Internet TV.  Then We are officially switching our cable and I remember how excited I was that I was going to be saving SO much money every month by not having to pay for cable.  I was mislead into thinking that even though everything else was going to be like DVR where I’d have to find what to watch, just like I do on the internet, I’d also get live news.  (Roku didn’t mislead me, Chips family member did.)  Well, that wasn’t right and Darrin didn’t like that very much so we kept our cable.

Then I said I won’t miss my shows but I found out that was a total lie because there were only a few shows on Hulu Plus that they allowed you to watch on your TV.  In fact, I would end up having to watch 95% of my shows on the computer anyway.

Just before we got our Roku boxes I was starting to question my decision; Is getting the Roku was worth it.  Then the next day they came and I posted this: Our Roku Boxes Arrived Today… They’re Going Back Tomorrow.

The main issue that I had with the Roku boxes was getting them connected.  It took a long time to get them online with my wifi and when I finally did they were only on for 30 minutes before disconnecting.  I had spent several hours on the phone getting them turned on, even changing my router settings and everything and still nothing but problems.

They said I had 30 days to return them and of course they went to the post office the next day.

I was really sad because I really thought it was going to be such a cool thing but it turned out to be really disappointing to us.  Darrin likes to watch the news as it happens, not as it happened yesterday.  And with the Casey Anthony trial, he wanted to see all of that unfold as it happened.

So I was getting the Roku for the wrong reasons.  I was getting it so that I could save money on my cable bill because I was paying $110 for it every month and if I switched to Roku I’d only have to pay $8 for Netflix and $8 for Hulu Plus.  Well, the Netflix was a good thing but the Hulu Plus wasn’t.  The Roku has hundreds of channels (or websites) to choose from but the issue is still the same, no live anything.  If I cancel my cable I need to have something that is live, even if it’s streaming live tv from the net, I don’t care.  Roku doesn’t work that way.

I do recommend the Roku 2 only if you do not plan on canceling your cable.  It is not a cable replacement but an addition to your cable.  That is ok.  You can choose the different boxes that they have.

If I were to buy this again, which I am seriously thinking about, I would go with the XS version only because I really need to know that if my WiFi doesn’t connect, at least I can plug it in to my router.  Also, check it out, they’ve added games to it.  I also like that USB port.  My tv has an SD card but not USB so that would be cool to add.

If I didn’t care about the cable (wire, not cable tv) so much, I would buy the HD because it has everything else I need minus the 1080p which doesn’t really matter to me because most everything that is on the internet is not 1080p anyway, even Hulu+ and Netflix.  So the middle box doesn’t really make sense to me.

I am not so jaded by my past experience with Roku that I would slam them and say they have a horrible service because the problem I had was a minor technical problem with the wifi.  The service they provide is awesome.

I think the Roku is such an awesome piece of technology and I say go for it, buy it.  It works great and if really have to have Hulu then you can also do the PlayOn thing which means your desktop computer has to be super fast and you won’t be able to use it anymore since it is now your tv’s server lol.  I can’t do that because my computer isn’t fast enough.

I’m seriously thinking about it but that is off in the future because I’m too broke right now.  Maybe I will wait until Christmas when I might have the money.  But until then, I can hook my CR-48 up to my tv to watch videos, which is what I have been doing.  It’s not great but it’s something at least for now.

If I were to rate the Roku I would give them 5 stars.

In Your Face!

You know how some people are homophobic but they don’t throw it in your face but you know they are because they give you a disapproving glare or they make snarky comments when referring to your sexuality?  Well, I have one particular family member who is sort of like that.  The whole gay issue is never brought up, like it’s so shameful that we just don’t talk about it out of fear that it will tear our relationship apart because of differing opinions or something.

I was talking with said family member on the phone today who was the only family member by the way who ever calls me on my birthday and she was 6 days late calling me.  But the subject of Chips deceased cousins relationship came up and she asked how long they were together and I said 27 years.  “Wow, how long have you guys been together” she asks which I respond 17 years. “WOW!”

I get no gratification for throwing it in her face that I am in a long-term relationship but when you tell a person like her who is against gay relationships that you have been together for 17 years and they have a “WOW” response, it makes you feel good.  Like “IN YOUR FACE” or something.  Not a mean in your face but you know.

I would say that I am the black sheep to half of my family because of my sexuality which if you think about it is such a stupid reason to be the black sheep.  I mean, I was born this way, you don’t make me a black sheep because I was born with hazel eyes and brown hair do you?  Of course not because that is absurd.  So why make me the black sheep because of my sexuality which I have no control over just like I have no control over the fact that I have male pattern baldness.

You know what I say to society, I’m here, I’m queer, get effing used to it biatches!  I’m in a committed long-term monogamous relationship with a person with whom I love and nothing anyone says about it is going to change that.  Get over your insecurities about gay people and realize we aren’t going to change.  We do have loving normal relationships just like all of you straight people.  The only difference is that we can’t get each other pregnant, which if you think about it is more of a blessing cause who wants that?  Not me!

I am so sick of people judging me so yeah, I get a little excited when someone who doesn’t approve has a moment when they are impressed by it.  As if I was ever seeking approval, I’m not but you know what I mean.

No matter what the circumstances are, she is my family and I respect her even though she may not respect me for being gay but goddamnit, it’s my life.  Be grateful I’m happy and I’m not miserable in a relationship with a woman who I am not sexually attracted to with children who probably hate me for taking out my aggression on them for having to be stuck in that marriage just to please your homophobic ass.

That’s all I have to say. *Steps off of my soap box*

Why I Stopped Writing My Book

I stopped writing my book for several reasons and here they are.

I started writing and I think I got 3 chapters written and edited and typed storylines for 3 or 4 other chapters then I quit. I stopped writing because I had to start working on finishing the Christmas stockings but I didn’t work on those all day long, only a few hours so really that is no excuse for why I stopped.

One other reason I stopped writing my book is because I started hearing these horror stories of other people’s childhoods (that’s what my book is based on) and I started thinking that my childhood was mild compared to these people. So I started to think that people may read my book and think that I had it good. Even though I had a rough childhood, other people had worse than I did so my story pales in comparison and it just made me feel really tiny in the scheme of things.

I saw the movie “Riding In Cars With Boys” with Drew Barrymore and she wrote a book about her life and she had to have her ex-husband sign a paper so she could publish the book. Well, there is no way I’m gonna get any of the people I am writing about to sign their name on a piece of paper agreeing to let me publish them because I say some horrible things about almost every family member who did something rotten to me. I just know that they would ask me what I wrote before signing and I know they would never give me permission when they hear what I wrote. Plus I don’t speak to my stepdad or sister anymore and I know those greedy bastards would do what Drews ex-husbands wife would do, they would make me give them money first.

So before I continue writing I’m thinking of changing it from an autobiography to fiction and just change a few things. Obviously I’m gonna have to change names, that way I won’t get sued and I’m probably going to have to change the way things happened so it doesn’t seem too familiar to people.

I am not a writer and I only have 5 years experience as a reader (of fiction) to sit down and start writing a book so that’s why I stopped. I think that I need to keep reading other books to give me more of an understanding about how books work before I start writing again. And who knows, maybe I might take an online course in writing to help.

We will see how it goes. I’m not giving up on it, just putting it on the back burner for now.

In Memory of Vedra Jean Luttrell

We have recently suffered the loss of a great friend and family member; Chips cousin has unexpectedly and wrongfully passed away at the age of 62.

I first met Vedra in the mid 90’s when Darrin and I would travel from Hollywood to Bakersfield to visit his mom for Mother’s Day. Every year Vedra would send a flier in the mail telling us about the family reunion and pot luck in the park and it was something that I always looked forward to, not just for the good food but to see her since we clicked so well.

We moved to Bakersfield in 2000 so we were able to see her more than just once a year but little did I know, she only lived 2 blocks from us.  When I learned that she lived so close, we started to see her more often and we met her life partner Venda.  Next thing you know, we’re all trading birthday gifts with each other.

The circumstances with which Vedra has left this world is very painful and I will not go into any details as I would like this to be a celebration of her life but let’s never forget the tragedy for why she is not with us today.

There won’t be a funeral but there will be a celebration of life party at one of Vedras sisters house in mid November.  I like celebration of life parties because you aren’t just mourning her death but also celebrating her life.  I have been to 3 such parties in my life and it’s a better way to say goodbye with a smile and a tear at the same time.

We will miss you and never forget you Vedra.

Skill Going To Waste

When I was 17 years old and my sister found me in Simi Valley after being homeless for nearly a year and let me move in with her I decided that after seeing my first boyfriend Robert crochet that I wanted to learn how to crochet too.  I bought a couple of books about learning crochet and knitting as well as some knitting needles, crochet hooks and some yarn.

I learned how to knit but I never really liked and I learned how to crochet and found it was a lot faster to make something and I could read the directions easily and so I got hooked (pun intended) on crocheting.

Over the next 20 years I had made many pillows, blankets, lots of coaster, a sweater during the Rodney King riots and even a bed for my kitty.  But last year I had to stop because my hands would get numb after only a few minutes of crocheting.  I involuntarily gave it up.

Chips and his moms friend Julia had passed away after Halloween in 2007 and her niece was going through her house and found tons of yarn and gave the majority of it to me knowing that I crochet.  Well, I was very happy to get it all but I knew that I wouldn’t have much use for it anymore due to my numbness.  I wasn’t exactly sure otherwise I would’ve rejected it which would have meant it would all go to the trash which would’ve been a total waste of good yarn so I accepted it.  At Christmas 2007 I brought a lot of the yarn that I didn’t care about with me and gave it all to Chips niece and another family member as well as all these knitting needles and crochet hooks.

Well, even though I had a good 20 years of crocheting I’m not ready to give it up because I’ve been dying to crochet hehe.  Even though I know I shouldn’t do it because I don’t want to flare up the carpel tunnel syndrome, I’m doing it little bits at a time.  It’s not going to hurt if I do little bits at a time.

I just think it’s a total waste of a great skill because not a lot of men can or want to crochet.  Some men think that if they crochet they aren’t men but lots of men crochet like Rosie Grier the football player, my Uncle Ron who is probably the most masculine man I’ve ever met crocheted in his earlier years, the private detective on the tv show Pushing Daisies knits and crochets and they are always showing yarn on his desk in his office.  So it’s not a skill that is female specific.  But it is a waste of a skill if you can’t do it anymore.  I would’ve liked to be able to do it all year because that is usually the source of christmas presents from me.