Turkey Day Is Almost Here

I can’t believe Thanksgiving is already here again. The months go by so fast. Next thing you know we will be decorating the tree. Actually, I’ll be doing that the day after tomorrow lol.

Since Darrin is working again, we’re not going out of town so we’re just gonna go to Hometown Buffet like we always do. I don’t mind going there, in fact I love that they are open because frankly I’d rather not have to cook as if we’re having 10 people over for just the 2 of us then have to do all those dishes. I’m quite content going out where all I have to do is get up, grab a plate then fill it up with good food, eat and repeat until I’m about to explode.

I do miss the traditional visit to a family members house (minus all the drama that comes with that) but I think I like it better with just the 2 of us. The holidays seem to be more for kids than they do for me. I guess that’s how you start to feel when you get older, unless of course you have a family to take care of.

As I said, the day after Thanksgiving I’m gonna be decorating the Christmas tree. It’s in the garage, it’s a pre-lit 8 foot tree. I actually have a video on YouTube of me putting it together using time-lapse photography.

Now some people might say that it’s not Christmas with a fake tree. Pahleez! It’s still Christmas to me and I don’t have to pick out a new one every year and pay the high prices that they charge at the tree lots. It’s such a rip off and I have a fear of fire so that’s another reason for me to want a fake one. Some people say they like the smell of the tree, I don’t really care for it all that much. Even if I did like the smell, I’d rather just light a Christmas tree scented candle.

I have several boxes of decorations to get from the garage and who knows, it might put me in the spirit enough to finish making that last stocking that I started earlier this year. I have 3 stockings to send to Chips nephews. Only one of them is complete, another one just needs it’s red felt back sewn on and the 3rd one needs me to finish embroidering it then put it’s felt back on. I have a little bag of bells that I’m thinking of sewing to the stockings in various places. It’s just not a stocking until it jingles.

So tomorrow morning I’ll get up and have a very light breakfast, maybe I’ll get some pop tarts then starve myself until it’s time to go to Hometown Buffet which will probably be around 1-3pm. One thing I look forward to is the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade that will be on in the morning.

Oh joy, I can’t wait.

In Memory of Vedra Jean Luttrell

We have recently suffered the loss of a great friend and family member; Chips cousin has unexpectedly and wrongfully passed away at the age of 62.

I first met Vedra in the mid 90’s when Darrin and I would travel from Hollywood to Bakersfield to visit his mom for Mother’s Day. Every year Vedra would send a flier in the mail telling us about the family reunion and pot luck in the park and it was something that I always looked forward to, not just for the good food but to see her since we clicked so well.

We moved to Bakersfield in 2000 so we were able to see her more than just once a year but little did I know, she only lived 2 blocks from us.  When I learned that she lived so close, we started to see her more often and we met her life partner Venda.  Next thing you know, we’re all trading birthday gifts with each other.

The circumstances with which Vedra has left this world is very painful and I will not go into any details as I would like this to be a celebration of her life but let’s never forget the tragedy for why she is not with us today.

There won’t be a funeral but there will be a celebration of life party at one of Vedras sisters house in mid November.  I like celebration of life parties because you aren’t just mourning her death but also celebrating her life.  I have been to 3 such parties in my life and it’s a better way to say goodbye with a smile and a tear at the same time.

We will miss you and never forget you Vedra.

Never Help Unappreciative Friends

I have a friend who used to live next door to us.  She was, as we gay’s called them, my “fag hag“.  That is until she moved away and then I didn’t see her again for many years.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere she calls me a couple of weeks ago begging me for my help.  She broke her sisters computer and knowing that I used to build computers for a (semi) living, she begged me to come over to her sister’s house to help her.

I didn’t want to because I’m a hermit.  I don’t leave the house unless it’s to go to the store, doctors appointments or to take the dog out.  I have a huge case of Body dysmorphic disorder so I just don’t like being around people out of fear they are constantly judging me.  Not just my face, skin and hair but also because I have facial ticks.

But what could I do?  She was talking so loud and so fast on the phone, I could barely understand what she was saying so to get her to stop begging and to shut up I said ok, come get me.

Her sister pulls up to our front door in a few minutes and she brings me to her house.  She drops me off and I go upstairs, look at the computer but I can’t do anything about it, the hard drive has crashed.  I was there for a couple of hours switching hard drives since they had 3 of them but none of them worked.  They all started to load a different version of Windows but always went to blue screen which was a clear indication that the hard drive had crashed.

Her sister finally takes me home and I think that’s the end of it.

About a week ago the sister calls me to tell me she’s at the computer store I told her to go to and asks me what kind of hard drive to buy.  Naturally I told her she needs to have her crashed hard drive with her so she gets the right one.  It has to have the same configuration as her old one otherwise a new hard drive (that fits todays standards) may not work in her (I don’t know how old) motherboard.

That happened to me once, I bought a brand new 320gb hard drive in 2007 for the computer I built in 2002 and it wouldn’t work.  I ended up having to buy all new parts to build a new computer around that hard drive.

So she gets the hard drive and calls me asking if I’ll install it for her.  I begrudgingly said I’d do it.  My former BFF called to tell me that she has the mouse at work so I’ll have to bring my own.  Well, that doesn’t work because mine is wireless, it won’t work with the Windows installation.

Anyway, long story short (too late?) I’m there for 6 hours, we cleared the CMOS because it had a password that nobody knew and I had to access it to get the job done.  I install Windows and helped get her started with the windows updates.

The sister takes me home and she offers to pay me but, what do you say when someone offers to pay you money?  I’m sure most people would be like oh sure that’ll be $60 (@$10/hr) please.  I’m too embarrassed by money.  We were broke and starving and we could’ve used the money, even $10 to get us some food but I said no thanks.  She offered to buy me a pumpkin for Halloween or a Turkey for Thanksgiving.  I’m not gonna go grocery shopping with her lol.  Just take me home lol.

The next morning at 7am, the sister calls me accusing me of stealing her neighbors mouse.  Excuse me?  Are you kidding me?  She knew I had a wireless mouse and she saw me grab MY mouse.  I even watched her hand her neighbors mouse to her.  I get paid $0 for 6 hours of work and I get accused of stealing.  Uncool!

Well, it has been over a week and my so-called “fag hag” has not once called or emailed me via Facebook to thank me for getting her sisters computer working.  If anything, she owes me the money because she is the one who messed up her sisters computer in the first place.  But not even a simple “thank you” from her.

I will NEVER help another person who is not a permanent fixture in my life who I know is ungrateful and will not even thank me.  I believe in Karma and I know that my karma is in very good standing.

Update 2011-01-23:  She called me a few weeks later acting as if nothing happened and I told her I was pissed off.  I told her what her sister did and she said she knew and she thought I was pissed off at her sister but I said no, I’m pissed off at you.  She asked why and I told her because this is the first I’m hearing from her and I still haven’t heard a thank you for helping your sister out.

Then I told her that I removed her as Facebook friends but not because of this but because I am better friends with her ex who demanded that I remove her from my Facebook friends.  She understood why I removed her and we haven’t spoken since.

Writing My Book Isn’t Easy

I’ve mentioned in here before that I’m writing a book based on my childhood. It’s about the abuse that I took from being beaten with a fire log to being punched in the face at age 13. Also being homeless at 15 and 17.

Edit: It’s not just a few abuse stories but the abuse I took throughout my childhood.

Thinking about these 6 kids who committed suicide has really gotten me to think differently about my book because I too tried to commit suicide, not just because of the school bullies but also because of my parents who bullied me more than the kids at school.

I don’t want to compare what happened to me to what happened to them because I really don’t know what happened to them. Everyone’s story is like a finger print or a snow flake, no two are alike.

The problem that I’m facing though is, I’m not a writer. Yes I write blog posts from time to time but this is different.

I sent my life partner a chapter to read and after only reading 1 paragraph he told me that my sentence structure needs work. I reminded him that I am not a writer and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing lol. Then he said it was too long, I need to shorten some of the stories. It’s a book! I can’t shorten the stories because the only way to understand what happened is to read the long ass stories.

A friend of mine offered to edit it because she loves to read. She didn’t say anything about what was wrong with the chapter, in fact she just said it was good. She doesn’t edit books for a living but I trust her judgement because she loves to read.

I can’t afford to pay someone to edit my book, I can’t even pay a ghost writer to write it for me, all I can do is write and edit it the way I have been and hope that it is readable.

I’m not writing it to make big bucks, I’m writing it to get it all off my chest. I have family members who were cut out of my life until I was 27 years old when I finally met them who would like to know what happened during my childhood that they were not allowed to witness.

It will take some time for me to write because I really have to be in the mood and I haven’t been feeling much in the mood lately. Thinking about those kids who killed themselves has really put things in perspective for me and I start to think, do I really need to write this book? Was my life that bad? I mean, there are people who got it worse than I did, some so bad they actually killed themselves.

My abuse stories weren’t even that bad, I mean being punched in the face is nothing compared to one guy who said that he was cinderella, forced to do all the housework, beaten and left to starve in a dungeon like basement. I was treated like a prince compared to that guy.

Well, as I said, I’m not writing it to make money, more to give my friends and family to read. It will probably be offered for $1 on Barnes and Noble once I finish it. I have to set a price and as far as I know Pubit doesn’t let you give your book away.

Ok, I’m done venting lol.

Ultimatums Suck

Has anyone ever given you an ultimatum or have you given anyone an ultimatum? They are not fair. There are certain times when it is ok to give someone an ultimatum like when a husband is drinking, gambling, cheating etc. But family members should never give you an ultimatum to choose your lover over them.

When I was 17 years old, my mother gave me an ultimatum. Leave my boyfriend Robert out in the cold in a strange city without anywhere to sleep and without any transportation back home or choose her and continue living at home. The choice was obvious. I would rather be homeless myself than let a deaf person wait outside for me to never return to help him find a place to sleep for the night. He was DEAF!

How cold-hearted are you to allow any human being to be homeless for the night until they can catch the bus in the morning back home?  I told her to at least let me call his mom to pick him up and she said no, let him freeze.  What a cold-hearted bitch!  I hate saying that about my own mother, rest her soul, but that’s how I feel.

It was 1987 and he couldn’t call his mother on a cell phone and speak sign language with a video call like you can do today. He had to use a TTY which by the way was at his house in Simi Valley. He took the bus to see me after 2 years of not seeing me and waited until the last-minute after the last bus had left for the day so he was stranded without any way of getting home. I asked a co-worker who lived down the street from me if he could stay with her on her couch and she said yes, I just had to bring him there. He was out of cigarettes so I went back to my house to get him a pack and that’s when my mother cornered me and gave me the ultimatum and that’s the night I became homeless.

My cousin just called me and he went to visit his sister in another state with his wife. His wife is 15 years older than he is and because some people don’t approve of such age differences, she was treated like crap. His sister gave him an ultimatum. His wife or his sister. That’s not fair. You know? You can’t make someone make that decision especially when they are married. What if he did choose his sister? What then? Is she going to take him in? No, she’s not. So now that he has chosen you, he’s going to be homeless all because you made him choose you over the love of his life.

Why do that? Why not just suck it up? You don’t even live in the same state, just deal with it. She is the person he chose to be with so live with it. It’s not your decision, it’s his.

I am in a relationship with someone who is 21 years older than me. You know what my sister said to him when she first met him? “How old are you?” And she didn’t ask it nicely either, she had this disapproving tone in her voice. It’s like, who asked you for your opinion? It’s none of your business. This is who I chose to be with so deal with it.

I think if someone is coward enough to make this type of ultimatum then they deserve it when they are the one being rejected. If someone gave me an ultimatum I am going to choose the person they are making me leave for them. There is no doubt in my mind that I would tell them to go to hell just as I told my mom.

Necklace for Beth

Well I finally made the jewelry for Beth. I made the bracelet last night and I tried making the necklace last night but I didn’t plan it out right so I had to take it apart. I was in an ambien haze so I had to stop and go to bed because I was messing it up more than it was. I finished it this morning.

I don’t know if it is gift worthy. It looks like something a pre-schooler would make lol. I mean the bracelet is fine but the beads in the necklace didn’t come out as I had planned. They are supposed to be psychedelic but instead they look ridiculous.  They have fingerprints all over them too lol.  I’ve never bought beads with fingerprints on them.  And the holes that I stuck through them for the hemp cord wasn’t straight so some of the beads stick out further.

I need to NOT make any more beads with Polymer clay until I know what I’m doing lol.

I don’t know if I’m too embarrassed by this necklace to even give it to her at all.  Since we didn’t have any money for Toys ‘R’ Us I thought that homemade jewelry would be nice but it’s not as nice after all.  Darrin has a Sears card which works at Kmart so we’re gonna go there to get her a toy or something.

Notice how I’m not so embarrassed that I’m blogging about it with a picture?

Hemp Jewelry for Children

Last night a friend who used to be our neighbor asked (on ) if we wanted to go to his daughter’sbirthday party on Sunday (tomorrow). Of course we’ll come. I asked him to measure her neck and wrist for some hemp beaded jewelry lol.

What can I say, I love making jewelry out of hemp despite how much it hurts my hands.

So today we’re going to go back to Michael’s for some children friendly beads. I’m going to buy some of the lettered beads and make her a bracelet with her name on it and since it won’t be that long since she’s only 6 years old, 4 letters (BETH) is perfect. It’s a good thing her name isn’t longer like Elizabeth lol.

Since they have 2 other children around her age I thought that I would make them something too because I know how jealous they get when one gets something and the others don’t. I know it’s her birthday party and not theirs but they might feel left out so this will lift their spirits at least.

I’m probably gonna end up just bringing the hemp spools with us and my bead box just in case the other kids want a necklace too. I spoil all the kids too much.

So, what I’m going to get is a big box of many colored beads and the alphabet beads, I haven’t decided what color yet but we’ll see what they have. They might have one of those big round containers with alphabet beads, it would be cheaper if they did.

My hands are gonna be cramped up by the time we get out of there tomorrow. I’m gonna have claws instead of hands.

Hacked Yahoo Emails

I got a strange email from my sister the other day with a link in it (which I won’t add here for your safety) and stupidly I clicked it but I closed the browser before anything could happen. I have wonderful anti-virus program that would’ve caught anything if I were infected.

I know that my sister did not send me that email because number 1 she’s in a bad place right now, her computer was stolen so she doesn’t have the means to send me that email and even if she had a way of sending me an email she would not send me a link with no text explaining what the link was or shy she sent it to me. Also, she wouldn’t email me, she would use to contact me.

Then this morning a friend sent me this email:

“I have a Japanese friend told me that he worked in a Japanese company. I visited the company he worked for and found the products very favorable. And there are many product versions, such as the European version, American version, and the Asian version and so on. All company’s products take photos for the true products. I suggest you should have a look in this website. There is the company website: (link omitted) , You can enjoy a lot of benefits in the second shopping time. Thank you ! k”

I know this isn’t from him because he signed it “K” and he wouldn’t have signed it with a letter, he would’ve signed it with his real name. And second, he never emails me. He doesn’t send me funny jokes or pictures of kittens or puppies or chain emails. He just doesn’t send anything. Not even an email saying hi. If he sees me online on MSN Messenger, well even then he doesn’t IM me. I usually have to IM him because he’s usually too busy to IM people.

So, my guess is that some how Matt and my sister have either clicked a link (when my sister still had access to a computer) and it gave them a virus which allows people to get your passwords or someone has hacked into the Yahoo mainframe. I don’t know which answer it is.

I am blogging about this so that if you have a @yahoo.com email address, back up your address book because what I know of hackers who do this kind of thing is that when they send these emails out to your friends they usually delete your address book / contact list. The only way to get that all back is by going through your sent folder and gathering all the addresses from the emails that were sent to your friends.

What should I do about hacked yahoo email? – Yahoo Answers

Good luck.

Don’t Laugh, He’s a Beginner

My friend Sue’s son Aaron is a very talented 30-year-old man.  I’ve known Sue for 13 years, back when Aaron was still a teenager and I never knew that he could do this.  He says not to laugh because he’s a beginner but I think he’s talking to all the haters out there who like to flame people.  I for one did not laugh because I was shocked that he could play music at all.

So here is his first YouTube video ever, I’d like to introduce Aaron playing a song that he wrote on the flute.

My Birth Father

On my 15th birthday my mother decided that it was time for me to know that my step dad wasn’t really my real father.  I basically knew but I let her tell me whatever she was going to tell me.

She gave me this elaborate story about how he left her when I was a month old to go to Germany in the Air Force and he never returned and she made him out to be this bad guy.

What she didn’t tell me was that he was married to another woman and had an affair with my mother and she got pregnant but he broke off the relationship with her because he loved his wife and she never told him that she was pregnant so he didn’t even know.  However she stayed in contact with his mother, my grand mother, for years afterwards.

My mom has shown me pictures of her when I was a little kid and just told me that she was a friend of hers.  When she told me the truth she told me that this woman was my grand mother.  When I had my tonsils out around I think age 3 or 4, I forgot when, she bought me a Mrs. Beasley doll from the show Family Affair and my sister was so jealous because she wanted it.  I didn’t know who gave it to me, I just knew it was given to me.

I would definitely love to find my birth father and have some kind of relationship with him because I have this huge hole in my heart that I would love to fill.  His name is Ron or Ronald Shirtliff.  I am not quite sure about the spelling of the last name but that is what my Aunt Betty has told me.  I have found that name a few times and contacted all of them and of course none of them agreed that they knew my mother so without a social security number I can’t get any information to find him.

I’m hoping that his name will be on search engines and if he or his family members decide to do a search for him they will find my blogs and posts on message boards and contact me.  Please, if you can help me reply with a comment in this blog or go to www.xanapus.com and click the email form and email me.  I don’t have any motives, I don’t care about the affair, none of that matters.  All that matters is that I find my birth father.