Tag: heart

Invasive Questions About Homosexuality

On By Michel McDonaldIn Doctor, SexLeave a comment

Interogation

I had to come out of the closet at age 17 because my  mother confronted me about it.  I wasn’t ready to come out, but apparently she was ready for me to come out.  She treated me like dirt, lower than dirt, like pond scum, no, lower than pond scum.  The disgust she had in her facial expression made me feel guilty for being gay, but I knew it wasn’t my fault because I never chose to be gay.  But that wasn’t the only time I ever had to go through that.  I had to come out to every family member.  Some of them were more accepting while others were just as disgusted as my mother was.

It is one thing to come out of the closet to your family, but why do I have to come out of the closet to every person I come into contact with?  Why is it that when I go to a doctor’s appointment and I bring up my health concerns, like my HIV, why is it that my sexuality comes into question?  I recently went to a cardiologist because I need surgery to remove my parotid gland, but in order to do that, I have to have some tests done.  So when the cardiologist read that I was HIV+ he asked me how I became HIV+, so I told him.  His response was “Oh so you’re a homosexual.”  WOW!  Yeah I’m a homosexual, so what?  What the hell does that have to do with what I am here for today?  In what world does that have to come into conversation or into question?  I am gay, not my heart and/or my blood.

A couple of weeks later I had to go back to run on a treadmill and the woman who was doing the test was making conversation.  She asked me if I had any children and all I could think was here we go again.  I responded with no.  Then she asked if I had a wife and again, I said no.  She asked if I had a girlfriend and again, I said no.  She looked at me like you are a 43 year old man without a girlfriend or wife or any children, how can that be?  I told her that I was in a domestic partnership and she asked me what that meant, and I said I was gay.

Okay first of all, she’s there to give me a test.  Her job is to put stickers on my chest with wires and then stand there at the computer pushing buttons while I’m running on the treadmill.  Why is she asking me these questions?  I know that she’s just trying to make conversation, but it made me very uncomfortable.  It’s like people make me feel bad for being gay, like I should apologize to them for being the way I am.  I should never feel bad for being gay.  It’s how I am, how I’ve always been and how I will always be and that is none of anyone’s business but my own.

After she asked me those questions, she asked me if I’ve ever been with a female and I said yes, I tried to “change” because my parents and sister and then brother-in-law were making me feel bad about being gay and constantly telling me that I was going to hell if I didn’t change.  So yes, I slept with a girl, twice.  I hated every minute of it.

I have a story about my uncle, who by the way I looked up to as a child.  He was my hero.  He hung the moon.  When I went to my aunts house when I was homeless and about to start living in a homeless shelter because my mother kicked me out of the house, my aunt called my uncle (her brother) on the phone and made me talk to him.  I was shocked and bothered by his invasive questions.  After he accused me of horrible atrocities against my parents, like beating the crap out of my step-dad which never happened, and then running away from home, he asked “How can you take it up the ass?”  My sister’s ex-husband grilled me with those same questions.  “How can you take it up the ass?”  This coming from the guy who was using the back door on my sister, and the only way I know that is because they told me, multiple times, like they were bragging about it to me.  Why the hell would I want to know that?  They both bragged to me about what a massive dick he had.  Why do I need to know that?  Which begs another question, why is it okay for them to tell me in full detail about their sex life, but if I even mentioned being gay, I was shoving my sexuality down their throats?

I don’t think that it is appropriate for people to constantly ask me these invasive questions about my sexuality.  I don’t go around asking people about their sex life, so why is it that I am shamed and made to feel guilty every time someone asks me about mine despite the fact that it has absolutely no connection to why I am seeing them, like at the cardiologist office for example.

I know that people have questions and the only way to make “them” feel comfortable with gay people is to just respond to their questions to educate them, but why am I responsible for that education?  Why can’t they just buy a book?  Here is one called 101 Frequently Asked Questions About Homosexuality.

Look, I am okay with non-invasive, non-sexual questions.  If someone wants to know something, fine, but don’t make me feel guilty about it.  The male doctor made me feel really bad when he said “Oh so you’re a homosexual.”  The woman who did my treadmill test, well she seemed a bit more accepting and didn’t really make me feel bad, but I still didn’t feel too comfortable.

One of the questions that she asked was when I knew I was gay and that is a question that a lot of people ask.  My response was this and it will always be this.  When I was about 3 or 4, I knew I was different, like in a sexual way.  In other words, I knew I wasn’t straight.  I had never seen a same-sex couple, so naturally I thought I was the only person on the planet who had feelings for someone of the same sex.  I thought there was something wrong with me which is why I kept it to myself.  When I was in the 2nd grade I had a crush on a boy in my class named Adam who lived nearby and we played together.  I had such a huge crush on him that I was dreaming about him.  It wasn’t just a dream like we’re playing in the sandbox or playing on our bikes, they were, you know… boyfriend dreams.  He was my first crush and you almost always dream about your first crush.  So that is a question I don’t mind answering because it tells people that I knew I was gay at a very young age.

Some people think that people who were abused as children become gay.  I don’t think that is true.  I was abused, but that had nothing to do with me being gay.  I mean, why would I be attracted to someone of the same gender if I am being abused by someone of the same gender?  That makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever.  I’ve known straight men who were abused by their fathers, and they never became gay.  So there is no logic in that.

Some people think that being gay is a choice and I can say with certainty that it is not a choice.  Who would choose to have people call them negative names like faggot or choose to get beat up in school for being gay?  Who would choose to be an outcast?  Who in their right mind would ever choose to be different if they knew it was going to make their life a living hell?  Nobody, that’s who.  You choose to be a vegan, you choose to drive a motorcycle as opposed to a car, you choose to wear velcro shoes, you choose your career.  You don’t choose which sexual organ you are attracted to, and you do not choose the sex of the person you are going to fall in love with.  I mean if straight people think being gay is a choice, let me ask this.  When did you choose to be straight?

I believe I was born gay.  If straight people believe they were born straight, then why do they think that I chose to be gay?  Being gay isn’t a choice, but being an asshole is.

Read this article, it tells a lot about sex organs and sexual orientation and when it happens and why.

I am all for educating people, but I don’t feel like I should be obligated to educate everyone on the planet about my sexuality.  I mean, I don’t go around asking straight people invasive questions, so why do I have to put up with it?  If someone wants to know why someone is gay, ask themselves why they are straight.  It’s the same thing.  You are straight because well, that’s just the way you are.  That’s just the way gay people are too.  I’ve been asked how I can take it up the ass, well let me ask how a straight woman can take it up the ass and how can a straight man do it in the ass to a woman?  Why is that such a hard question to ask when straight people do it in the ass all the time?  And why are straight people so obsessed with taking it up the ass?  Straight people are more obsessed with taking it up the ass than gay people are.  I mean seriously dudes, just buy a dildo and get it over with.

I am not Dr. Ruth, so don’t interrogate me about my sexuality and don’t put my sexuality into question.  Educate yourselves on your own time.

IZEA Valentine’s Day Swag Bag

On By Michel McDonaldIn GiftLeave a comment

izea swag bagI got a very cool surprise in the mail today.  @IZEA the company that pays me to tweet and blog sent me this very cool swag bag.  The Unicorn is very cool, I will probably keep it as is on display.  The swag bag had all this candy that I shouldn’t be eating anyway, but I enjoyed a few pieces anyway.  Pixie sticks, Wonka’s Fun Dip and Sweet Tarts Hearts, Hershey’s Kisses, chocolate hearts, Tootsie Rolls and I don’t even know what else.  There was also a neat heart-shaped eraser with a smiley face and a heart-shaped stress ball with the @IZEA logo on it.

This swag bag was such a cool surprise.  Thank you IZEA for sending it out to me.  That is so awesome!

izea ball and eraser

EverQuest on my HDTV

On By Michel McDonaldIn EverQuest5 Comments

My monitor stopped working so I had to start using my HDTV instead.  I was so happy that I bought a new video card with an HDMI plug, but for some reason EverQuest won’t load at all when I have it plugged into the TV.  I have been searching my heart out on the internet trying to find out why but nobody seems to have the answer.

I remembered that my friend Ruth told me a few years ago that she got a HDTV and she had her computer plugged into it and was using that as her monitor.  I sent her a message on Facebook asking her how she did that but it took her awhile to respond.  Today she responded to me to tell me she can help.  I spoke with her a few hours ago and she revealed the answer.  Stop using the HDMI and plug the computer into the TV using the VGA cable instead.  OF COURSE!  Why didn’t I think of that?

After I got off the phone with her I decided that I couldn’t wait to try it.  My computer was off so I had to wait for it to come on and it immediately defaulted to loading on the HDMI since I had them plugged into both.  When windows was finished loading I switched it over to VGA with the video driver software.  It didn’t look good at all so I had to do some adjusting to it so it looked normal and then I loaded EverQuest and to my surprise it loaded.

So there you have it, if you are using a HDTV using your HDMI plug, you won’t be able to play EverQuest until you plug it in with your VGA cable.

Writing Books

On By Michel McDonaldIn Books2 Comments

I started writing my autobiography again on my netbook using SoopBook.  I was using just a regular word processor before but it seems easier using SoopBook since it uses the WordPress blogging platform that I use to write my blog with.  It’s easier to do it when I’m using something that I am familiar with.

I have 3 1/2 chapters written down so far.  It has been a little taxing on my emotions having to go through each and every memory.  What is even more difficult is having to remember when each memory happened.  So many things happened and it was so many years ago that sometimes the memories just bleed into each other and I can’t remember which event happened first and second and even in which month or year.  I am doing my best to remember but these things take a lot of time to write.

I have sort of veered off to another book that I wanted to write.  I figured that if I’m going to have an autobiography, I should probably be known as a writer first.  So I am writing a short story about an Indigo Child named Henry who has a premonition about something that will greatly impact his life and he has to stop it from happening before he loses everyone he loves.  It’s not going to be a huge novel, think of it as a half hour episode of the Twilight Zone.

I wrote the first chapter today and I have many more ideas for the second chapter in my head but I will have to get to it tomorrow.  It’s really a heart breaking story and every time I think about what I’m going to write I start to cry because I know how it will end lol.

I don’t even know where this story came from, it just popped into my head out of nowhere.  I was trying to read a book and I just couldn’t focus on what I was reading because I had this big story churning in my brain and I was just thinking, how can I be reading this book when I need to be writing this amazing story about this amazing little Indigo Child?

It’s going to be a Halloween story so I hope to be finished with it before or on October 1st 2011.  It will be my first ever story that I have ever thought of so be easy on me when you criticize me because I’ve never written a story before.  Of course when I have it published I will link the ebook in my blog so all 5 of my readers can get first dibs lol.

I’m hoping that this little short story will get bigger and end up being a novel instead of a short story but we will have to see how many twists and turns my brain can think of.  I am giving it a title that will be open to a second book, maybe even more, who knows.  We will see.

Happy Easter

On By Michel McDonaldIn HolidaysLeave a comment

I got this email today from my aunt and it was too cute not to post.

Happy Easter

All I need to know

I learned from the Easter Bunny!

  • Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
  • Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
  • There’s no such thing as too much candy.
  • All work and no play can make you a basket case.
  • A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.
  • Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
  • Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
  • Some body parts should be floppy.
  • Keep your paws off of other people’s jelly beans.
  • Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.
  • The grass is always greener in someone else’s basket.

To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

May the joy of the season fill your heart.

AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU!

Happy Easter!


A Golden Retriever Was Hit on H Street in Bakersfield

On By Michel McDonaldIn Pets2 Comments

Tonight at around 6:15pm we were driving along H Street here in Bakersfield going to Hometown Buffet (which we didn’t know is closed for renovation, we ended up going to Denny’s) and we passed the saddest thing.

Among all the speeding cars driving around 40-50mph, there was a Golden Retriever laying on the ground between 2 parked cars. He (or she, I don’t know) seemed to be alive, he was laying down but sitting there panting with his head up. There were 2 people standing by the cars and it looked like they were on the phone.

Since we didn’t pull over I don’t know the full details of what happened but I can only speculate that the dog went out into the street and got hit. I can only speculate that the person I saw on the phone may have either seen the dog get hit or they are the driver that hit him. I don’t know. They may have been calling the owner of the dog if the dog had tags on the collar or they might have been calling for help for the dog. Again, I don’t know.

What I do know is that my heart goes out to that dog tonight. I am a very sensitive person, especially when it comes to animals because they aren’t that bright sometimes. We’re always seeing dogs and cats in the street wandering around confused and lost. I don’t know if it has to do with the fact that they were sheltered in a house then suddenly kicked out into the world that they are very confused by or if they just don’t have a lot going on up there.

I know they run out when you least expect it and if you stop suddenly you could end up causing a huge accident so I understand why they end up getting hit. I just wish people would keep their dogs and cats inside the house or inside the fenced in yard. And if you can’t keep the dog then at least find them a new home so there aren’t so many strays out.

There is a house in our neighborhood on 2nd and Eye st. where the dogs have a chain link fence but the driveway gates don’t close tight so the dogs are always running around the neighborhood chasing and barking at people who walk by.  And they are little dogs which is how they were able to get through the driveway gates.  I saw one of them dead over on Chester and 2nd street in the gutter.  I hate seeing dead dogs in the street, especially when you know that dog has a home, their owners just don’t care enough about them to keep them either in the house or get the fence fixed so the dogs don’t go wandering around.

When we came home from dinner I picked up our dog Flower and hugged her and kissed her. Sometimes you don’t appreciate something (or someone) until they are gone, that doesn’t only apply to people either.

Kathy Griffin Has Inspired Me

On By Michel McDonaldIn Books, Celebrities, PeopleLeave a comment

I knew that if I read Kathy Griffin’s autobiography about her life that I would learn a thing or two about how to write an autobiography.

Sure, I could’ve chosen to read a book from someone who was gay bashed by bullies and their own parents (which is the main focus of this book) but well, frankly, I couldn’t find any.  And actually, Kathy’s book is the perfect choice because she was bullied in school and she was almost molested like me.  Although our situations are different, their not too far apart.

In fact, they are pretty much the same except she was only kissed by a 28-year-old when she was 13, I was lead around the house with my balls being held onto tightly when I was 15 before being tongue raped by a 50 something year old ex-prostitute woman who was my mothers best friend.  Great, I just told you the whole story, now what incentive do you have to read my book?

Well, it’s not the only story but at any rate, she has given me more confidence in the way to structure my paragraphs and even adding pictures and other graphics.  Although, I won’t be using a tiara.  Maybe…

I haven’t finished her book yet but I have two-thirds of the book to go.  It’s a very interesting read if you get a chance to pick up a copy or buy an e-book version of it.  Even if you don’t like her you will find her book easy to read, heart breaking and hilarious all at the same time.  I laughed, I cried, I screamed in pain because I passed a kidney stone while reading.  Ok that last part wasn’t true but I did cry for her pain and I laughed at her jokes.

So now that I’m inspired by her writing, even though I’m not finished with her book I feel more comfortable to continue writing at night which is usually when I have more energy to write since I have insomnia.  Why I get energy late at night I have no idea.  It just happens that way.

Gay Teens Commit Suicide Thanks to Bullies

On By Michel McDonaldIn Gay RightsLeave a comment

It’s Time to End Teenage Bullying – via The Ellen Degeneres Show

I just heard the news that 5 teenagers have committed suicide in the past 3 weeks. These kids were bullied in school and/or outed on the internet as being gay. They just couldn’t take it anymore so they killed themselves.

I heard that one of the 13-year-old boys hung himself.  13 years old!  You cannot imagine how bad he must have been made to feel to hang himself.  I don’t know the circumstances or the way the other ones killed themselves but things have to be pretty bad to get to that point.

My heart truly goes out to the parents of these children as well as the children who are going through this.  You know, when I was their age I was this close (holds fingers close together) to doing the same thing.  It’s bad.  It really is and I know how they feel.

I would like for all parents out there to please sit down with their children and tell them that being a bully is such a waste of your teenage years.  Stop teaching your kids hatred and to be a bully and start teaching them that it doesn’t matter what color someone is, if they are fat, if they are gay or even the slightest bit different from them.  We are all human beings no matter what.  There is no reason to go around bullying anyone period!

I would also like to send a message out to all of the LGBT children out there.  I know first hand how bad it is for you.  I was a teenager once myself.  I endured the bullying for years but I had to keep telling myself that it’s going to be better someday.  It won’t last forever.  Just keep telling yourself that.  Ignore what the other kids say or what they call you because in 15-30 years they are going to have children and there is a 50/50 chance that their children are going to be gay and come out of the closet.  They will have to learn tolerance then.

Your life is too precious and valuable to do that.  Please, if you feel you need to talk to someone, use these resources that Ellen Degeneres has put on her website (link above).  They can help you in a way that even your parents and family can’t (or won’t).

I promise you, it will get better but you need to give life a chance and talk about it with someone.  Let them be your lifeline.

  • The Trevor Project at 866 4U TREVOR. It’s a 24-hour, national help line for gay and questioning teens. You can learn more about The Trevor Project at their website: thetrevorproject.org.
  • Angels and Doves is a nationwide anti-bullying non-profit organization.  Their website isAngelsandDoves.com
  • The National Center for Bullying Prevention is helping to promote awareness and teach effective ways to respond to bullying. You can learn more about them at their website:Pacer.org/bullying
  • The Matthew Shepard Foundation runs Matthew’s Place, an online community and resource center for LGBTQ youth. The website is matthewsplace.com
  • GLSEN is also a great organization that is working to eradicate bullying and bias in schools. Their website is: glsen.org
  • STOMP Out Bullying is focused on reducing bullying and cyber bullying. Find out more on their website: stompoutbullying.org

The Gates 2 Hour Season Finale

On By Michel McDonaldIn TVLeave a comment

Tonight was the 2 hour season finale of The Gates on ABC.

Wow, all I can say is what a shocker. They gave us a huge plot twist right at the very end with a gigantic cliff hanger until next June when hopefully it returns.

You know it’s too bad it was a summer only show because I can certainly see this being a fall to end of spring show with 24 episodes. It was that good of a show.

Let’s see, what all did The Gates have? Vampires, werewolves, sucubus, witch, and whatever that woman at the police station was without a heart. I thought she was a vampire all this time when she admitted to being “special”. I had no idea that her heart was in that box. And now what is the son? Is he a zombie now? Why does he all of a sudden have power and glowing eyes?

You know when Devan said she had to kill him to bring him back, I had a strange feeling that he would not come back right. I kept thinking that he’s gotta come back as a zombie or something. You can’t just bring a dead person back to life and not have a consequence. If I learned anything from Charmed is that every spell comes with a price.

And they were going to move, HA! Now they can’t because they have to keep their “special” son in the Gates to protect him and everyone else in the world. Now they’re stuck forever in the Gates.

You know I’ve been watching this show all summer and I still have trouble with their names. I know these names. Devan the witch, Dylan and Claire the vampires. That’s it lol. I had to go to IMDB to verify that those are those people’s names and it is.

If this were a fall to end of spring show instead of a summer only show I would have all the names memorized by the end of the season instead of only knowing 3 names lol.

Anyway, it was a very good show and I can’t wait for its return, if it does return. I hope it returns, they can’t leave me with this huge cliffhanger and not return next year.