Depression About Surgery

scarIn August I went to the doctor to get help for an issue I was having with my parotid gland on my right side.  I had a cat scan with contrast and they found several stones and the only way that I can get them out is with surgery to remove the entire gland.  The problem is, it will leave a huge scar on the side of my face that will look like the image to the left.

Most people wouldn’t want to have a huge scar on their face of all places.  I mean, a scar on your arm or your leg or stomach is normal, but your face, that’s like the one place that you want to keep scar free.  Well, without thinking I said that if this is my only option other than living with it, then just do it because I can’t continue living with this horrible pain.

I still feel that I want to get the surgery, but I have also sort of gone into a depression knowing that I’m going to have this on my face soon.  Not only will I have this on November 20th, but I will have a tube sticking out for 7 days which means it will be removed the day before Thanksgiving.  I will have a fresh scar during the holidays.  I know that the holidays are just like any other day to me, but I still don’t understand why I couldn’t have had the surgery by now so it’s all healed up BEFORE the holidays.  I mean, this started in August and we’re in November now.

I’m sorry, I’m scatterbrained.  I’m just going through something right now.  I know it’s all mental, but still, I just don’t want to have to be out in public with this on my face for Thanksgiving, especially since we always go to a restaurant for that holiday.  I know it’s probably silly and you are thinking oh get a grip, get over it, but wouldn’t you be worried about this too?

This is going to go one of two ways, one I will be fine and I won’t think it’s that big of a deal and we will go out and eat and it will be fine.  Or, I will be so depressed that I won’t be able to get out of bed until New Years.

The issue here is this is my face, which is the first thing that people see.  People judge you as a person before they even talk to you.  I know, RuPaul says it’s none of my business what other people think of me and I usually think that too, but it’s my FACE!  Why does this have to happen to me just before Thanksgiving, or at all for that matter?

As if I haven’t been through enough in my life with being diagnosed with HIV at age 21, then upgraded to AIDS at 23, being diagnosed with having Parkinson’s, Scoliosis, being homeless as a teenager just because I was gay and being abused throughout my childhood.  It just seems like I am a target for something messed up.  Why me?  Why do I have such a messed up life?

Well, I guess I should just be thankful that I am still alive despite the fact that I was supposed to die in 2000 and nearly died in 2002 from Steven-Johnson syndrome, which is another messed up thing that happened to me lol.  Eh hem, as I was saying, at least I have a roof over my head and I’m somewhat healthy and not homeless.

I suppose it could be worse.  I could be homeless and not have any medical insurance and would have to just live with the pain for the rest of my life.  So I guess I should be lucky that I can have the surgery.  But I still can’t help but feel depressed about the scar.  UGH!  Life sucks.

The Racists and Bigots Hate Miss America Nina Davuluri

Miss_America_Nina_Davuluri

I haven’t watched Miss America since I was a kid, and even then I wasn’t paying very much attention.  It’s just not something I really care about.  Give me RuPaul’s Drag Race any day of the week.

I didn’t watch it, but apparently on Sunday night, Miss New York Nina Davuluri, who is the very first contestant of Indian descent to be crowned was crowned Miss America and the internet nearly exploded in a mushroom cloud of pure putrid racism.

Here is a link from Buzzfeed showing a few of the vile tweets.

Some people called her Miss Arab, Miss Al Qaeda, Miss Terrorist and Miss 7-11.  People were saying that Miss Kansas should have won.  Why?  Because she’s white?  I don’t understand what makes Miss Kansas a better candidate for Miss America.  Because she hunts animals?  Because she has a tattoo on her stomach?  Because she loves her country more than Nina Davuluri?  How do they know the level of love Nina has for her country?  I mean, honestly, do they even know her at all?  Have they met her?  Have they had a conversation with her about how dedicated she is to the United States?  I bet you if you asked her some history questions, she probably  knows more than these bigots do.

It’s funny how they don’t care if a person’s ancestors (or parents) were born in Italy, Ireland, Scotland, Germany, Hungary or England, but if your ancestor was born in India and your skin color reflects that, all of a sudden you’re not a true American. White doesn’t mean American.

Nina is from New York, so what is a typical New Yorker to these people?  Is she supposed to be like Fran Drescher?  Or what about Julie Chen?  Yeah, she’s from New York.  Check it out.  I mean what is a typical New Yorker supposed to look like?  Is she supposed to be white with brown hair and a thick New York accent?  Please tell me what the expectations are for being a true New Yorker.

This is 2013.  I just can’t believe there is still so much hatred and racism.  People from India are not terrorists and they are not affiliated with Al Qaeda.  Indians are not Arabs either.  I feel if you are going to make a racist statement, you should at least look at a map so you can see that India and Saudi Arabia aren’t the same country.  Here, take a look if you don’t believe me.

saudi arabia and india

I don’t know the rules of Miss America and I don’t know Nina Davuluri, and I’ve already said I don’t even watch the show, but I’m pretty sure that they wouldn’t crown a woman Miss America if she weren’t an American.  Like I said before, having white skin does not make you a true American.  If you want to know who the true Americans are, go find a reservation and ask around.  The Native Americans might have something to say about your racism.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions just as I am entitled to point out their ignorance.  We all as Americans have free speech, but I think free speech and hate speech are two separate things.  Get your facts straight before you start calling someone you don’t even know names.

“Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

You know what my mother always said to me when I was a child?  Come on, you know this one.  “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”  Do us all a favor and just keep your mouth shut if all you can do is spout your racism and hate speech.