I’m going on my diet AGAIN

breaking the scale

Have you ever been in the situation where you are always struggling with your weight, but the person you live with can eat whatever, or decide they aren’t going to eat anything at all for days and end up losing tons of weight with little to no effort, but you are working your arse off to lose weight, but you end up gaining weight? Yeah, I’m there.

2 years ago I lost 70lbs with Noom and Weight Watchers frozen dinners. My partner was very supportive, and by supportive I mean he didn’t wave bags of potato chips or cookies in front of me and he didn’t constantly ask if I wanted to go to McDonald’s or Taco Bell. I felt like he was doing exactly the thing you are supposed to do when someone you live with is struggling with something.

Unfortunately, when the weight stopped coming off, he started wanting to go to certain restaurants and buy certain foods like cookies and chips and leaving them out in the open for me to eat. Sometimes he would try to hide food, but I would find it and end up eating it for him. I’m an addict. It’s like leaving bags of heroin on the coffee table for a drug addict, or stocking the fridge with nothing but alcohol for an alcoholic. He got sick of not being allowed to eat the foods he wanted to eat, so when I got down to a certain weight, he felt I was finished. I’m sorry, but when you have an addiction to something, it’s never over.

So here I am, having almost gained back every pound I had lost 2 years ago. We went to Food Maxx yesterday and bought 20 Weight Watchers Smart Ones frozen dinners. Tomorrow we are going back to the 99 cent store to buy 20 cans of Progresso soup. I can have a bowl of cheerios for breakfast with my almond and coconut Silk, a Slim Fast shake for my 10am snack, a bowl of Progresso Soup for lunch, another Slim Fast shake for my 3pm snack, a Weight Watchers Smart Ones frozen dinner with extra veggies added to it for dinner, and then another Slim Fast shake to curb my appetite when I get hungry again late at night. Once my stomach shrinks again I can remove that late night shake.

I don’t feel comfortable being out in public because I feel ugly. When my face is thin and my neck is trimmed down, I actually feel good about myself and my self esteem goes through the roof, but when I see my big round fat face and no neck again, I feel worthless. It’s a terrible feeling when you look at yourself in the mirror and you can’t stand the person you are looking at. It’s an even worse feeling when you start to cry. Why can’t I just be happy with how I look? Some people actually look good when they are fat, but I don’t feel that way about myself. And here’s the thing, it’s not like I’m morbidly obese like the people you see on My 600lb Life. I’m not anywhere near that weight. I’m talking 260lbs and the only thing fat on me is my face, neck, chest and stomach. And my stomach is a typical guy gut, that’s it, but somehow I feel morbidly obese. I feel like I’m lucky that I’m not 600lbs by now. I’m telling you, if it weren’t for willpower, I probably would be that fat right now.

The nutritionist at the clinic told me not to deny myself anything. Like if I want some ice cream I can have some ice cream, I can eat 1 serving of ice cream even every day if I want to, but you know what the serving size of ice cream is right? Half of a cup! Seriously? A half of a cup? That’s like 2 bites for a fat arse like me. It doesn’t even put a dent into my stomach. But you know what? I would rather have half of a cup a day than no ice cream at all for the rest of my life. I can’t buy ice cream because there is no way I’m just having 1/2 a cup, I end up packing a 8oz coffee cup with ice cream at least 3 times a day lol. It’s cheaper to buy the big cartons of ice cream, but it’s better to just buy one of those little tiny cups that only cost $1. That way I get ice cream, and I don’t have that temptation waiting for me in the kitchen.

Anyway, enough of me rambling on about it. Talking about it isn’t going to make it happen, I have to actually work my ARSE off to make it happen. That means I have to get back on my bicycle, or walking, or both.  I have a lot of work to do and I intend on doing it. Enough talking, start doing.

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