Invasive Questions About Homosexuality

Interogation

I had to come out of the closet at age 17 because my  mother confronted me about it.  I wasn’t ready to come out, but apparently she was ready for me to come out.  She treated me like dirt, lower than dirt, like pond scum, no, lower than pond scum.  The disgust she had in her facial expression made me feel guilty for being gay, but I knew it wasn’t my fault because I never chose to be gay.  But that wasn’t the only time I ever had to go through that.  I had to come out to every family member.  Some of them were more accepting while others were just as disgusted as my mother was.

It is one thing to come out of the closet to your family, but why do I have to come out of the closet to every person I come into contact with?  Why is it that when I go to a doctor’s appointment and I bring up my health concerns, like my HIV, why is it that my sexuality comes into question?  I recently went to a cardiologist because I need surgery to remove my parotid gland, but in order to do that, I have to have some tests done.  So when the cardiologist read that I was HIV+ he asked me how I became HIV+, so I told him.  His response was “Oh so you’re a homosexual.”  WOW!  Yeah I’m a homosexual, so what?  What the hell does that have to do with what I am here for today?  In what world does that have to come into conversation or into question?  I am gay, not my heart and/or my blood.

A couple of weeks later I had to go back to run on a treadmill and the woman who was doing the test was making conversation.  She asked me if I had any children and all I could think was here we go again.  I responded with no.  Then she asked if I had a wife and again, I said no.  She asked if I had a girlfriend and again, I said no.  She looked at me like you are a 43 year old man without a girlfriend or wife or any children, how can that be?  I told her that I was in a domestic partnership and she asked me what that meant, and I said I was gay.

Okay first of all, she’s there to give me a test.  Her job is to put stickers on my chest with wires and then stand there at the computer pushing buttons while I’m running on the treadmill.  Why is she asking me these questions?  I know that she’s just trying to make conversation, but it made me very uncomfortable.  It’s like people make me feel bad for being gay, like I should apologize to them for being the way I am.  I should never feel bad for being gay.  It’s how I am, how I’ve always been and how I will always be and that is none of anyone’s business but my own.

After she asked me those questions, she asked me if I’ve ever been with a female and I said yes, I tried to “change” because my parents and sister and then brother-in-law were making me feel bad about being gay and constantly telling me that I was going to hell if I didn’t change.  So yes, I slept with a girl, twice.  I hated every minute of it.

I have a story about my uncle, who by the way I looked up to as a child.  He was my hero.  He hung the moon.  When I went to my aunts house when I was homeless and about to start living in a homeless shelter because my mother kicked me out of the house, my aunt called my uncle (her brother) on the phone and made me talk to him.  I was shocked and bothered by his invasive questions.  After he accused me of horrible atrocities against my parents, like beating the crap out of my step-dad which never happened, and then running away from home, he asked “How can you take it up the ass?”  My sister’s ex-husband grilled me with those same questions.  “How can you take it up the ass?”  This coming from the guy who was using the back door on my sister, and the only way I know that is because they told me, multiple times, like they were bragging about it to me.  Why the hell would I want to know that?  They both bragged to me about what a massive dick he had.  Why do I need to know that?  Which begs another question, why is it okay for them to tell me in full detail about their sex life, but if I even mentioned being gay, I was shoving my sexuality down their throats?

I don’t think that it is appropriate for people to constantly ask me these invasive questions about my sexuality.  I don’t go around asking people about their sex life, so why is it that I am shamed and made to feel guilty every time someone asks me about mine despite the fact that it has absolutely no connection to why I am seeing them, like at the cardiologist office for example.

I know that people have questions and the only way to make “them” feel comfortable with gay people is to just respond to their questions to educate them, but why am I responsible for that education?  Why can’t they just buy a book?  Here is one called 101 Frequently Asked Questions About Homosexuality.

Look, I am okay with non-invasive, non-sexual questions.  If someone wants to know something, fine, but don’t make me feel guilty about it.  The male doctor made me feel really bad when he said “Oh so you’re a homosexual.”  The woman who did my treadmill test, well she seemed a bit more accepting and didn’t really make me feel bad, but I still didn’t feel too comfortable.

One of the questions that she asked was when I knew I was gay and that is a question that a lot of people ask.  My response was this and it will always be this.  When I was about 3 or 4, I knew I was different, like in a sexual way.  In other words, I knew I wasn’t straight.  I had never seen a same-sex couple, so naturally I thought I was the only person on the planet who had feelings for someone of the same sex.  I thought there was something wrong with me which is why I kept it to myself.  When I was in the 2nd grade I had a crush on a boy in my class named Adam who lived nearby and we played together.  I had such a huge crush on him that I was dreaming about him.  It wasn’t just a dream like we’re playing in the sandbox or playing on our bikes, they were, you know… boyfriend dreams.  He was my first crush and you almost always dream about your first crush.  So that is a question I don’t mind answering because it tells people that I knew I was gay at a very young age.

Some people think that people who were abused as children become gay.  I don’t think that is true.  I was abused, but that had nothing to do with me being gay.  I mean, why would I be attracted to someone of the same gender if I am being abused by someone of the same gender?  That makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever.  I’ve known straight men who were abused by their fathers, and they never became gay.  So there is no logic in that.

Some people think that being gay is a choice and I can say with certainty that it is not a choice.  Who would choose to have people call them negative names like faggot or choose to get beat up in school for being gay?  Who would choose to be an outcast?  Who in their right mind would ever choose to be different if they knew it was going to make their life a living hell?  Nobody, that’s who.  You choose to be a vegan, you choose to drive a motorcycle as opposed to a car, you choose to wear velcro shoes, you choose your career.  You don’t choose which sexual organ you are attracted to, and you do not choose the sex of the person you are going to fall in love with.  I mean if straight people think being gay is a choice, let me ask this.  When did you choose to be straight?

I believe I was born gay.  If straight people believe they were born straight, then why do they think that I chose to be gay?  Being gay isn’t a choice, but being an asshole is.

Read this article, it tells a lot about sex organs and sexual orientation and when it happens and why.

I am all for educating people, but I don’t feel like I should be obligated to educate everyone on the planet about my sexuality.  I mean, I don’t go around asking straight people invasive questions, so why do I have to put up with it?  If someone wants to know why someone is gay, ask themselves why they are straight.  It’s the same thing.  You are straight because well, that’s just the way you are.  That’s just the way gay people are too.  I’ve been asked how I can take it up the ass, well let me ask how a straight woman can take it up the ass and how can a straight man do it in the ass to a woman?  Why is that such a hard question to ask when straight people do it in the ass all the time?  And why are straight people so obsessed with taking it up the ass?  Straight people are more obsessed with taking it up the ass than gay people are.  I mean seriously dudes, just buy a dildo and get it over with.

I am not Dr. Ruth, so don’t interrogate me about my sexuality and don’t put my sexuality into question.  Educate yourselves on your own time.

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I can finally fit into my old clothes!

dressed up

I have lost quite a few pounds since January 5th when I started using the Noom app on my Android phone.  The difference is absolutely amazing to me.

I haven’t been able to wear this outfit in such a long time.  Actually, I forgot I even had it.  It’s a blue shirt that I got 2 years ago, I forgot what I needed it for, but I needed a dress shirt.  The neck was tight, so I wasn’t able to wear a tie, but I didn’t need to.  I also wore it last year to the grand opening of the Bakersfield Gay & Lesbian Center, but it didn’t really fit me as well as I had hoped.  The neck definitely didn’t button, but it was so tight that the button below the neck button was making it too tight, so I had to loosen that one too.

I’ve had the pants since 2004 when we went to my partners mother’s funeral.  They are adjustable with elastic so that if I gained or lost weight, I’d still be able to wear them, but I haven’t been able to wear them for a very long time because I was too big.  Today they expanded all the way out so they just fit me.  I can’t wait for the day when they don’t need to expand to adjust itself.

The tie is a clip on tie because, well, that’s how I roll bitches LOL.  I actually don’t mind tying a tie, but why when you can clip it on?  I’m not a real estate agent or the CEO of a company, so why the hell should I tie a tie?

Of course I don’t have any dress shoes so if I were to wear this outfit I’d be stuck with my black tennis shoes, which are really old and need to be burned lol.  I will focus on new shoes when I am at a point where I’m needing to go on a shopping spree for a new wardrobe.  When I do get some new clothes, it’s going to be all dress clothes with collars.  I am so tired of always wearing t-shirts and jeans or shorts.  I’d like to start dressing with some style.  I’m an adult, not a child, so I’d like to start dressing like an adult.

Take a look at these before pictures of me on my Noom page and see the huge difference from then and now.  I’m not done with my weight loss, I still have a long way to go.

The (Frustrating) Sims FreePlay

The_Sims_Freeplay_1

I have been hooked on “The Sims” since the late 90’s when I first heard about it.  I was living in Hollywood and talking to someone on AOL who lived in Michigan and he told me about it and so I started playing.

I have the original Sims game with all the expansion packs.  I don’t have The Sims 2 or The Sims 3, but I heard they have way better graphics and are way more fun.  Although, I do have The Sims 2 Pets on my PSP, but it’s not the same thing as the PC version.  I also have The Sims Castaway for my PSP, I played The Sims Online when that was available and I play The Sims FreePlay on my Android phone, which is a ton of fun, but it can also be frustrating as hell.  Here is my page dedicated to The Sims.

The Sims FreePlay runs in real-time.  Like, say I have 16 Sims, which I do, and 2 of them go to work at 9 a.m. and 2 go to work at 10 a.m., well, I have to get up at 8 a.m. to get my 9 a.m. Sims needs filled up so I can send them to work.  That only takes a few minutes, but then I close the game and wait until 9 a.m. so I can get my 10 a.m. Sims to work.  That again only takes a few minutes.

So then I close the game and come back to get my noon Sims ready for school and work, but while I’m in the game, I go to use the wardrobe and it crashes the game and when I come back into the game, all of the Sims that I had sent to work are back in their houses.  All of the Sims that I had put to work in their garden who don’t have to work until later tonight aren’t working in their gardens anymore, they are standing in the front of the house or sitting on their couches picking their noses.  What the hell?  Seriously?  Why the hell did I wake up at 8 a.m.?

I don’t really care that that happens because the Sims end up making more money with gardening anyway, but I would love to not have to wake up early specifically to get the Sims to work and then have that BS happen.

My other grievance isn’t just with the game, but I think it also has something to do with my phone which is a HTC One V from Virgin Mobile.  Sometimes when I play the game it’s fast and I don’t have any issue getting around, while other times it’s so slow that I can’t get the screen to move at all.  The Sims characters are all either just standing or they are in mid stride trying to get to where they were going.  Then every minute the screen dims and then in a few seconds the phone goes to sleep and then I have to push the power button, slide the ring up and then wait for the screen that tells me how much my town is worth lol.  To prevent that from happening, I have to be very quick and pay close attention, but it’s hard when the game is sluggish.  The other way to prevent it from happening is to keep it plugged in while playing.  When it’s plugged in, the screen dims, but it doesn’t go to sleep.

I have to admit that it really is a fun game to play, even though it is laggy and glitchy.  I just built a Medieval Castle and it’s pretty cool, although it only had 1 bedroom which sucks because I have 2 Sims plus their 2 teenagers.  It had 2 dining rooms so I converted one of the dining rooms into a bedroom for both the kids.  It has both of their beds which they never sleep in since I have them drink an espresso to fulfill their sleep need lol.  The bedroom is more for decoration really.  I also wanted a place to put their study desk and their bookshelf and to showcase their Karate and Ballerina lamps LOL.  It seems silly, but it’s fun for me.

sims medieval castle sims kids room medieval castle

To answer your question, yes that Sim is wearing an Easter bunny costume lol.  I just took him out of it today and put a more medieval costume on him, the King costume.  Both of my Sims in this house are wearing a King costume, since they are a same-sex couple.  I tried getting the son to use the wardrobe to see if there was a prince costume, but naturally they only had kid clothes.  That’s why the game crashed.  I guess I have to build the costume shop to see if they have kids costumes.  My same-sex male couple have a son and a daughter and I would love for their clothes to match their house, even though I have added some things to the house that aren’t medieval lol.

Well, I just had to rant about it lol.  I guess there isn’t anything to do about it but just deal with it I guess.  I did install the original Sims game on my computer just so I could see the differences, and trust me, there are huge differences lol.

Are your goals unrealistic?

goal-weight-loss

I have been told in the past when discussing my true weight loss goal that I would love to be the same size I was way back when I was still skinny before I gained all of this weight.  Peoples responses have always been the same.  “And people in hell want ice water.” “You are never going to be the way you were.” or my favorite is “That’s just unrealistic.”  Is it unrealistic?  Because I don’t think it is.

Saying something is unrealistic is negative thinking, and we all know that it’s all a state of mind.  Negative thinking will give you negative results and positive thinking will give you positive results.  If you think you can do something, then it is possible.

When I decide to do something, I do it.  Like take my weight loss journey for example.  I have already lost (officially as of last Saturday) 46lbs, how did I do that?  I decided I was going to eat healthy and not snack on junk food.  I have been very faithful to my diet (not diet as in the dieting term, but diet as in the food I eat diet).  I told myself that I was going to eat healthy and so I am eating healthy.

I used to be 150lbs, so me saying that I want to be 150lbs again is unrealistic, and I only say that because I have packed on at least 20-30lbs of muscle in the gym, but 170-180 is not unrealistic.  I will have the thin stomach again and that is my goal.

When I was 12 years old, I wore a size 30/30 jeans, and when I was 26 years old I was still wearing the same size jeans, and then I quit smoking and the size of my jeans changed.  The last pair of jeans I bought were a 40/30.  That is a shocking number from 30 to 40.  But that wasn’t the size of my stomach, that was just the size of my hips.  My stomach was actually 50 inches.  My stomach is now 44 inches and I expect that it will go back down to 30.  I don’t think that is unrealistic.

Positive thinking brings positive results, so don’t let anyone sabotage you with negative thinking by telling you that you can’t do something.  You can do whatever you set your mind to.  We all can be the way we were if we work hard enough to get back there.

If I can lose 46lbs in 14 weeks, then I am positive that I can be a size 30 again, I just have to keep doing what I am doing and I will be back to the way I was.  I ignore negative thinking because I got to where I am by doing it my way, and I will be the one laughing when I am at my goal weight/size.

I have told people what I eat and what I drink and everyone has something negative to say. Like the weight watchers meals aren’t good for you, but in actuality they are.  They are low in calorie, they are made with healthy ingredients and they are filling.  I was told not to use creamer in my coffee because it’s too fattening and someone even told me that I will never lose weight as long as I use creamer in my coffee.  Um… 46lbs in 14 weeks.  I beg to differ.

I’ve been told not to drink Crystal Light or put artificial sweetener in my coffee because the sweetener is bad for you because it can make you eat more.  Well, I have been using sweetener since I was a teenager because I can’t stand sugar filled drinks.  Like I hate Coke and Pepsi, so I will drink Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi instead.  Those have artificial sweeteners which is what makes them have 0 calories.  I think I have built an immunity to whatever bad effects artificial sweeteners have because I am still alive after more than 25 years of using them.  One of the Noom articles said, and people in the Noom forums have said that artificial sweeteners will make you eat more, but I have not experienced that side effect, and I think it’s because I have built up an immunity to that.

I usually ignore negative thinking because I want to stay positive, but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten the negative comments.  I just keep saying “46lbs in 14 weeks…”  The numbers don’t lie.  I have been eating the same way and drinking the same way since January and have lost weight, so I’m just going to keep doing it my way.

Before I tell you the next story, I have to mention that I went to the doctor’s office today and according to their scale I have lost 48lbs…

I got a free lunch bag from Lean Cuisine and it was too feminine for me, so I gave it to our tenants who are a mother and her 2 daughters.  Well, the mother told me that she noticed that I had lost a lot of weight and I said yeah, I’ve lost 48lbs and she had this worried look on her face, like she thought I was dying lol.  I said oh no it was on purpose and I laughed.  I told her what I was doing to lose the weight and then I explained that I had type-2 diabetes and sleep apnea as a result of my weight and that my doctor has been begging me for years to lose the weight.  That was a relief to her.

Isn’t it funny how some people see things?  Don’t judge a book by its cover.  Just because someone looks thinner, doesn’t mean something negative, it could mean they are trying to live a healthier lifestyle, which is what I am doing.

Until my next ranting…

My Website is Back Up

I have been in bloggers hell for the last 2 days.  The night before last night I got an email from Blogsvertise saying that a post that I had written (the post before this one) was missing 5 days later.  Well, I clicked the link and sure enough it was missing, along with the rest of my blog and my dashboard too.   I immediately went to my websites control panel to find out what was wrong and that wouldn’t load.  When it did finally load the database page wouldn’t load.

All day yesterday I had been contacting the web host about it and last night the dashboard finally came back online, but the blog itself was still out.  This morning it was the same thing so I emailed them again.  I emailed one of the associates from Blogsvertise to let them know what was going on so they would be patient with me.

This happened to me last year where my database became so corrupt that I couldn’t load anything and I ended up having to start over with a new database which meant I had to start over from scratch.  I had lost all of my comments and I had to go to other websites where my blog posts were are automatically published to.  That was no fun at all, it took me several months and I got so bored with it that I gave up which left a huge hole in 2010 from posts that I never copied back over.

It doesn’t seem as though I have been blogging very much lately because I have been spending so much of my time on Facebook.  I keep saying that I will try to get back to blogging, but it just doesn’t seem to happen.  I will make that same promise again though, perhaps I will blog what I post on Facebook, we’ll see.

I Finished Writing My Book

I am happy to report that I finally finished writing my book.  I have edited the hell out of it about 20 or 30 times but it’s finally done.

I sent the file to 2 friends to proof read and send me bug reports if you will lol.  Basically, they are beta testing my book for the lack of a better term lol.

The book in doc format is only 181 pages but in epub format it is 289 pages.  I don’t know why there is a huge difference but there you have it.

I have learned a boatload of stuff about myself while writing this autobiography.  For example, I remembered things that I had blocked because they were too painful.  I don’t know how I remembered them but I’m glad I did.

The timeline of some memories were wrong in my head and it took writing it for me to remember when everything happened.

Well, I am just exhausted from writing.  My eyes are killing me from staring into a white screen for 6 to 8 hours a day.  I can’t even imagine this being my regular job.  I mean blogging is my job but I’m not doing it for 6 to 8 hours non stop day after day.  Some weeks I’m lucky if I have 2 posts written.

To celebrate my victory today I decided to play Lord of the Rings Online.  I finally did an epic quest so I can check that off of the list of things I have to do in the game.

The book won’t be published until my beta testers have read through the whole thing and given me their input.  When they do then I will have to read it one or two more times before I send it out just to make sure it’s right.  Who knows, I may even have more editing lol.

I’m pretty sure that it is finished so I do plan on getting it copyrighted this or next week so that I can sell it through Amazon and Barnes & Noble as ebooks.  If they sell enough copies then I will have it printed for those who don’t have a Kindle or a Nook.

Wish me luck!

Break From Restoring Blog

I have to take a few days off from restoring posts for September 2009 all the way through June of 2010.

First of all it’s hell on my hands.  With Carpal Tunnel syndrome both of my hands are getting numb a lot from this, resting my wrist on the laptop or even on the gel mouse pad is bad for my wrists because it puts way too much pressure on my wrists.  If it were softer then I might be ok but for some reason it’s a really hard surface.  After a few hours my wrists are in agony and my eyes too, I can’t see anything because I’m staring at the computer so much.

We have family visiting next week and I really need to put this blog on hold until the house is clean.  It’s not a mess but there are some places that need to be cleaned and it’s embarrassing when people can spot the dust I didn’t clean :D.

I would say give me a few days but I’m sure it won’t take that long, but you never know for sure.