Keep Your Chin Up Jonah

httpvh://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdkNn3Ei-Lg

This was shared with me on Facebook today and I couldn’t help but cry throughout the whole video.  This kid named Jonah who just started the 8th grade this year has been bullied since the 1st grade is showing that although he is terrified of being bullied, he has a million reasons to not kill himself.

He talks about cutting himself and even shows where his scars are, you can’t really see them but I’ll take his word for it.  I think that was when he started to cry which was what set me off and I started bawling.

Dear Jonah if you are reading this, I know what you are going through because I went through something very similar.  I know how tough life is and I’m sure you keep hearing “It Gets Better” but it really does.  You have to hold your chin up and just try to get by day-to-day.

Let me tell you something about me.  I didn’t actually start to get bullied until junior high school and the only reason it took that long was because we moved around so much that nobody really got to know me to start bullying me until the 7th grade.

I was abused by my step-dad mentally and physically since I was a baby so I know what it’s like to be bullied on a daily basis.  When the kids started bullying me was when I tried to end my life because I just couldn’t take being bullied at school and at home.  I attempted suicide almost every night.  I almost killed myself when I was 13 years old by choking myself.  I would choke myself until I became unconscious but then I’d wake up in the morning.  I finally gave up after weeks of killing myself every night because it wasn’t working.

It isn’t worth dying over because even though you are still so young, you will have something to offer the world and I know you will succeed because I believe in you.  You do have a million things to live for and I applaud you for making this video to hopefully open people’s eyes to what you are going through.  Maybe you will write a book some day and when you do I hope you share it with me.

Speaking of which, I wrote my own book and I would like to give it to you for free when it is published.  It is a bit depressing and you have enough to worry about but perhaps it might provide some inspiration.

I believe in Karma and I know that those bullies will get what is coming to them when they are older.  Believe me, they will be fat, bald and in the middle of their third divorce while paying $1000-$5000 a month in child support.

Stay positive and keep being you. *hug*

My Leg Is In Good Shape Considering

I am a quick healer. I don’t know what it is about me but when I get a bump or a bruise you wouldn’t know I got it by how fast it disappears. That’s one thing that is in my book is how my step-dad was able to get away with child abuse because within half an hour of giving me a bruise, it was already gone so there was no evidence of it which was very difficult to claim that I was being abused with no marks to show for.

I hurt my leg on Sunday and here it is Friday night, Saturday morning, not quite a week but we’re almost there and I’m already walking on both legs.

To recap what happened; I was running for the ice cream truck on Sunday, saw he wasn’t looking in his mirror and since he was driving at the same speed I was running I decided to pick up the pace and that’s when I heard and felt my calf pop. It feels like a constant charlie horse. Imagine having a charlie horse for a week straight.

Ok the first couple of days I was on 2 crutches but the 3rd day I nixed the 2nd crutch because I was doing fine on 1. Then day 4 I’m able to walk with a limp without the assistance of a crutch, although I take it when I go outside and when we went to the store just in case. Although I didn’t need it, I felt it necessary so I wouldn’t have to explain a limp. Although, I was asked what happened, why I was using a crutch lol.

Today I’ve been walking directly on my left foot instead of limping and even though the calf is still tight, or what’s the word, taut? Even though it’s still taut and has some pain I feel I should give it some exercise.  Anyway, occasionally I’ll get a stinging pain then I have to limp for a minute then go back to my foot flat on the ground.

The doctor gave me an estimated down time of 4-6 weeks and I overestimated that to 6-8 weeks just in case, you never know. And I guess my overestimation was a good call because I figured if I overestimate it will be way less and it’s turning out to be way less.

I can’t say it’s over because it’s still like a constant charlie horse but not as painful as one would normally be and I still have to limp when I rest my leg for too long. You can’t just start walking normal after you’ve been sitting or laying down for a few hours.

I have been getting dizzy though which is unusual. I’m very dizzy right now but that’s because I took the medicine. The muscle relaxer. I think it’s relaxing my brain which is why I’m getting dizzy. I also took an ambien so maybe that’s what’s causing the dizzy, it doesn’t usually though so I think it’s a combo. But that means I gotta cut this short.

HA you’re thinking SHORT? Yeah, too late for that pal.

No but seriously, I will continue with the updates again soon.

Picky Eater

I was a picky eater as a kid.  I can remember all the way back to when I was about 3 or 4 years old and my mom made some meatloaf and it had tons of onions and green bell peppers and I tasted them and they just did not taste good to me so I picked them all out and only ate the meat.  Well, my parent’s wouldn’t let me leave the table until all that stuff was gone.  I think I sat there for about 4 hours staring at it.  I just absolutely refused to eat it.

As I grew up I found out that I hated other things like yogurt and American cheese.  There were some things I hated but I felt that I should compromise with my mom and just eat them like the greens.  I loved spinach because Popeye ate spinach so I had to have it.  And not fresh but from the can and it didn’t matter to me if it was heated up.  You never saw Popeye crush his spinach can then pour it into a pot and heat it on the stove.  No, he ate it straight from the can.

My mom learned my likes and dislikes for food and so she would cook for the family but also cook for me.  When she made potato salad she would put about 3/4 of the ingredients in a big bowl and the rest in a little bowl for me and she would put all the crap in the big bowl but be selective for me.  My step dad on the other hand, he would purposely put onions and bell peppers in my food but hidden so I wouldn’t see them so when I bit into the food I’d get a big bite of onions.  Bastard.

But this post isn’t about me.  Oh no, it’s about my dog.  Dogs are normally always hungry.  You can give them whatever and they will eat it with no problem.  Within reason though.  But you give them something to eat and they don’t even give themselves time to chew it, they swallow it whole.  Not my dog.  Oh no.  She’s a toy chihuahua.  She used to do that but then she learned I guess and so she smells the people food first before she eats it.

I’ve given her hot dogs (1/2 a hot dog) in the past, I slice them lengthwise to quarter them then I cut the slices so they are little tiny pieces she can chew.  She normally likes hot dogs.  But all of a sudden now she sniffs them and looks up at me as if to say “you got anything else?”.

Yeah, how about your dog food?  Oh that’s another thing.  I’ve bought her 2 different brands of dog food, she hates it.  She will only eat the cats food.  Her dog food has different colors like yellow, orange, brown, green.  She picks through them with her nose and pushes all the brown ones out and she only eats the colored ones.  OMG this is the pickiest dog ever.

I gave her half of a hot dog knowing she might turn her nose up on it and of course she did.  I thought well maybe she wants to be hand fed so I gave her a piece and she took it but then spit it out lol.  So I gave her a little bit of some life cereal which she ate all of.  Whatever dog lol.  Whatever.  I’m eating some macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs in it and she’s staring at me like “can I have some?” but she’s not getting any.

Steve Wilkos Show

The episode of Steve Wilkos show called “He beat me in my sleep” was just on and it was about this young, very young couple who are 18 and 19 years old with a 1-year-old baby.  The boyfriend admitted to beating his girlfriend in her sleep because he was mad at her.  What?  What the hell was he mad at for?  Did she pull the covers off of him?  Did she snore too loud?  What could possibly make this guy beat his girlfriend while she slept?  She ended up going to the hospital with a black eye, split lip, concussion, bruises all over.  And yet she didn’t leave him.

At the beginning of the episode, the girlfriend told a story of how he beats their 1-year-old son.  One morning the 1-year-old threw the hair brush into the toilet and he got beat for that.  He’s a frickin’ 1 year old douche bag!  That’s what 1 year old’s do, they throw things.  They don’t even know they are doing it.

He said that he beats his baby or spanks his baby to teach him but a 1-year-old isn’t going to remember any lesson about anything because he’s ONE!

In the first segment, the girlfriend was asked by Steve, if he doesn’t pass his lie detector test are you going to leave him and she said I suppose I have to but then at the very end of their half of the show he gave her a choice.  Either walk through the door that her abusive boyfriend walked through or go through this other door and have a lifetime of friendship and help with me and she walked through the door to go to her boyfriend.  What the hell did she even go on the show for?  What a complete waste of time for Steve, for the audience, for me…  And what lesson is being learned here?  Because I’ll bet you anything that as soon as they left and went back to the hotel or wherever, he beat her for bringing him on the show.’

You know, this guy totally reminds me of my step-dad when I was a baby.  He met my mom when I was 18 months old and basically moved in right away, they didn’t even know each other and he moved in.  He assumed the role of dad to me and my sister and of course with the dad role that meant child beater role too.  He would beat me in front of my aunts, uncles and grandparents to show dominance.  To show who the alpha male was.  He was trying to show them how tough he was and all he showed was how much of a coward he was.  And these times he would beat me in front of other people, my aunt told me that I was just sitting there, not doing anything.  I totally didn’t deserve that but he did it anyway to me.

I am so sick of coward men beating women and children but what I’m mostly sick of are women who stay with these men because they are not just hurting themselves, they are also hurting their young children who don’t deserve to be involved in that abuse.  That is when I say that not only is that guy a coward but that girl is a coward as well and their child should be taken away from them and put into foster care.  He would be better off with another family.

Bike Lights

When I was 16 my parents bought me a bicycle so I can get to work a lot easier and they won’t have to drive me.  The bike was a cruiser bike and since I would be riding at night I would need lights and all I can remember is that I thought my step-dad was so cheap by buying me the kind with a generator.  I didn’t need batteries because it generated light as I rode.  However, if you think about it, this is probably a very good idea because batteries cost a lot of money.

If you buy lights that are rechargeable they are very expensive.  Yeah the lighting is a lot brighter and probably better but they cost a lot of money.  And I’m talking $200+.

I have been looking for this light with generator for a while and I can’t find it anywhere.  Bike Nashbar doesn’t have it, neither do any of the other well known online bike stores.  Target, Wal-Mart, sporting good stores, Sniders etc.  Nobody has it.

I found it on eBay for $49.  Wow.  What a deal.  I have to wait 2 weeks before I can buy it but I’m going to get it when I get some money.  Here is a picture.

I don’t plan on riding at night unless I need something from the store and I need to get there fast but what I do plan on doing is riding early in the morning.  I’m talking 5am early.  Yeah at 6am it’s still dark but there are cars out on the road that early.  I’d rather get out at 5am.  This way I can get in as much bike time as I can without any traffic and any pedestrians.  I want to get my exercise in without any dangers of getting hit by a car hehe.  I haven’t been on the streets in over a decade and I’ve already made a couple of mistakes and I need to relearn the rules of the road before I go back out there with the cars.  I think getting to where I need to would be a lot faster with no traffic too.

My Birth Father

On my 15th birthday my mother decided that it was time for me to know that my step dad wasn’t really my real father.  I basically knew but I let her tell me whatever she was going to tell me.

She gave me this elaborate story about how he left her when I was a month old to go to Germany in the Air Force and he never returned and she made him out to be this bad guy.

What she didn’t tell me was that he was married to another woman and had an affair with my mother and she got pregnant but he broke off the relationship with her because he loved his wife and she never told him that she was pregnant so he didn’t even know.  However she stayed in contact with his mother, my grand mother, for years afterwards.

My mom has shown me pictures of her when I was a little kid and just told me that she was a friend of hers.  When she told me the truth she told me that this woman was my grand mother.  When I had my tonsils out around I think age 3 or 4, I forgot when, she bought me a Mrs. Beasley doll from the show Family Affair and my sister was so jealous because she wanted it.  I didn’t know who gave it to me, I just knew it was given to me.

I would definitely love to find my birth father and have some kind of relationship with him because I have this huge hole in my heart that I would love to fill.  His name is Ron or Ronald Shirtliff.  I am not quite sure about the spelling of the last name but that is what my Aunt Betty has told me.  I have found that name a few times and contacted all of them and of course none of them agreed that they knew my mother so without a social security number I can’t get any information to find him.

I’m hoping that his name will be on search engines and if he or his family members decide to do a search for him they will find my blogs and posts on message boards and contact me.  Please, if you can help me reply with a comment in this blog or go to www.xanapus.com and click the email form and email me.  I don’t have any motives, I don’t care about the affair, none of that matters.  All that matters is that I find my birth father.