Category: Humor

Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear

On By Michel McDonaldIn Celebrities, Comics, Humor, TVLeave a comment

I woke up late (which is normal since I’m up till 3am most nights) and went into the living room and saw that Darrin was watching this rally in Washington D.C. on CSPAN. I thought, oh great, another Glenn Beck rally? No thanks. Then I saw it was Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Darrin was complaining about how stupid he thought it was but that didn’t prevent him from watching it all the way through.

I sat and watched it for about an hour with him then went in my room and turned the TV on and it was also on Comedy Central. I looked at the guide and it said Scrubs was supposed to be on. I wanted to see how much longer it was supposed to be on but since it said Scrubs I had no clue. Didn’t TV Guide know this was supposed to be on? I sat and watched the rest of it until it was over and it was pretty good. It was completely commercial free which is unusual for Comedy Central to do without some kind of brand recognition.

Darrin didn’t think it was funny, he complained about how Jon and Stephen kept interrupting the 2 singers who were singing about a train, he said it was completely uncoordinated. I had to remind him that it was part of a skit they were doing. It was obvious and I’m sure they rehearsed it.

There were quite a few singers and it looked like a fun rally that I wouldn’t have minded going to had I been in D.C., awake and knew about it beforehand lol. Then again, it’s a lot of standing, no thanks. I can barely stand long enough to do the dishes let alone stand in a crowd not being able to move an inch for 2 hours.

I actually don’t know for sure that it was 2 hours long and I’m sure those people had to wait several hours before it started. All I knew was that at 12 it was time to change the channel and put on Elvira’s Movie Macabre. I have my priorities you know.

In case you missed it, you can check in with Jon in the Rally to Restore Sanity or with Stephen to Keep Fear Alive. It was pretty entertaining and I appreciated what Jon said at the very end about tolerance and hate. Bravo Jon Stewart.

My New Leg Injury

On By Michel McDonaldIn Doctor, Exercise, Health, HumorLeave a comment

I’m sitting here in my room reading “Official Book Club Selection, a Memoir According to Kathy Griffin” on my Nook and I hear the ice cream truck. Darrin hears it too and he tells me to go stop him. I opened the door and saw he’s already across the street, he says run to stop him.

I’m in my bare feet and I’m running and waving like a maniac. They aren’t looking in the rear view mirror either. I think they get off on that.

I pass about 6 houses and figure they aren’t going to look in the mirror and they are driving the same speed that I am running which means, I have to pick up speed to catch up.

That’s when it goes horribly wrong. I pick up speed and just then “POP” my left calf makes this popping sound and I can feel the pop too. Crack one of your knuckles, that’s the popping sound that I heard.

I immediately had to stop because my calf tightened up, sort of like a Charley horse. Not only could I not continue running but I can’t even walk, heck, I couldn’t even stand up straight. My left leg hurts like hell when I have it straight like my right leg. The only way my leg is comfortable is if it’s lifted up in the back, like I’m on crutches. The tendon is tightened so that it hurts when I straighten my leg out.

I look towards our house to see if Darrin has come out of the house to come to me as if I had stopped the truck and he sees me bent over and I used a sort of sign language, as if I’m mimeing like I’m driving a car but rocking the wheel too far to the left and right. That was my way of saying, get in the car and come get me.

He’s not coming and I’m standing there with my leg bent back, I can’t go anywhere but I start hobbling towards the house. I saw the white car coming around the corner and he stops at where I’m at and opens the door and I painfully got in.

He drove to where the Ice Cream truck is because I’ll be damned if I hurt myself in vain. He gets our “Mama Flip” ice creams which is soft serve in a cup with chocolate syrup and sprinkles.

We come home and I’m not only about ready to throw up but I’m also about ready to pass out. He goes in the house to get the crutches that we have had since his mother broke her leg in 2000 and I go in the house with the intentions of laying down with some ice on it with hopes it will get better. It’s not getting better.

I went to WebMD.com and looked it up and it tells me to immediately go seek medical help so we went to the E.R. where I sat for about 3 1/2 hours waiting for them to call me. After 1/2 hour I told Darrin to go home, I’d call him. No sense in both of us being bored and losing internet time lol.

The doctor couldn’t do an emergency MRI or even x-rays but he bends my leg back and forth and moves my foot and he gives me his diagnosis which I couldn’t remember (remember that I have a learning disorder?) but all I can say is he thinks I must have torn a muscle which is what I figured out right when it happened.

He tells me to rest and put ice on it for 15-20 minutes several times per day for the first 3-4 days then after that replace the ice with heat. He also gave me a prescription for Motrin and a muscle relaxer. I can’t say the name of it because I can’t read his writing lol. I have some ibuprofen from when I had the neck and shoulder pain so I can take that until we can get to the pharmacy tomorrow (followed by Subway or Panda, you know, while we’re there lol).

I have to report to my doctor in the next 1-2 weeks to let him know what happened and maybe perhaps get an x-ray or MRI done if it’s still hurting by then. Oh and I get to be on crutches for a while too which in a way is a good thing because now I don’t have to take the dog out, I can’t if I’m on crutches (wicked evil grin).

Unfortunately, I can’t count on Darrin to do the dishes for me and when I make dinner he’ll have to bring it to me. If I leave dinner up to him we’ll be eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a while. Or soup, he loves making soup lol.

I was afraid I would miss my shows but when I got home it was some hometown sports show plus the Closer is on tonight instead of my Sunday night Fox cartoons. Oh well, I’m glad I didn’t miss them but it would’ve been nice to know they weren’t going to be on so I wouldn’t have been stressing about miss them during my 3 1/2 hour wait time lol.

Anyway, so I’m off to go rest and ice my leg.

Colbert Testimony Before Congress (House Subcommittee)

On By Michel McDonaldIn Amplify, Humor, Joke, Political, TVLeave a comment

Stephen Colbert testified before congress about immigration and people were not amused at all. Although I found his speech hilarious, I do find that it was a waste of time for congress. He could have just put the skit into his show and Congress could’ve watched it from the comfort of their homes or offices.

People are saying he is making a mockery of the congressional hearing, well, wasn’t that his point of being there? He was asked to be there by the congresswoman that he mentioned and later she said that she didn’t know he was going to be in character. Come on, he’s StephenColbert. If you know anything about him it’s that he’s like Lady Gaga or Kathy Griffin, always in character.

Again, I found it hilarious but that’s just me. What do you think?

Amplify’d from www.youtube.com

Colbert Testimony Before Congress (House Subcommittee)

(there was a video here but it was removed by the user who uploaded it)

See this Amp at http://amplify.com/u/b3le

Movie Macabre with Elvira on My Network

On By Michel McDonaldIn Halloween, Humor, Movies, TVLeave a comment

Hey remember Movie Macabre from the early 80′s? Well it’s back!

Elvira is now hosting movies on “My Network” or My45 here in Bakersfield but check the info page on her Facebook fan page to find out if you will get it in your city and what channel/time it will be on.

It says that its going to be on at 12am on Saturdays but I checked and it’s wrong. It says 12pm on the guide but on the My45 website it’s says that it’s on at 7:30am which I also just checked and that is wrong too lol.

I can safely say that if you are in Bakersfield, California, you can watch it at 12pm on Saturday on KUVI 45 which is Brighthouse cable channel 4 or 1004 for My45 HD.

This weeks movie is Night of the Living Dead (1968).

I wonder if Breather will be coming back too lol. Remember him? He had like this vaseline on his face or something and he was always calling her and breathing heavy on the phone and occasionally they would have him on the show.

I watched her show every Saturday at noon when I was in elementary school and junior high school lol. I even paid $12 to her fan club where I had to send a self-addressed stamped manilla envelope (S.A.S.E.) to receive whatever came with the fan club membership. Let me think, I remember an 8×10 signed black and white photo, bumper sticker and I forgot what else. That stuff is long gone though. I bought it in 1982 lol. Oh it had a newsletter too but that was the only one I ever got. I guess it was a standard newsletter that they only sent out to 1 time members who paid $12.

Anyhoo, it’s gonna be so fun to watch her again. I’ve missed her so much.

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

On By Michel McDonaldIn Humor, JokeLeave a comment

Someone emailed this to me and I thought it was too funny not to post.  Oh and, sorry about the all caps but that’s how it came to me and I refused to type it all out in non-caps because my back is killing me and frankly I have better things to do with my time.  If it’s difficult to read, then don’t read it.

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

Please enjoy and understand the following

1. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTI PASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Roast of David Hasselhoff

On By Michel McDonaldIn Celebrities, Humor, TVLeave a comment

Tonight was the night that the Roast of David Hasselhoff was on and I completely spaced out. I totally forgot about it. I usually set the cable box reminder but it slipped my mind to set it.

Darrin was in my room and he took control of the remote (typical male behavior) and we were watching some lame documentary about fish. Like I care about fish. I don’t want to be smarter, if I learn about fish then all the other stuff will spill out and I’ll forget all of my useless Buffy the Vampire Slayer trivia. Who do you want to play Buffy Trivial Pursuit with? The guy who watches fish documentaries? I didn’t think so.

So I noticed he was sound asleep anyway (typical, change the channel then fall asleep) so I grabbed the remote, turned on the guide and found the Roast of David Hasselhoff. I immediately change it and annoying as ever Gilbert Gottfried was on telling weird vagina jokes at Pamela Anderson‘s expense.

I laughed my butt off but Darrin kept waking up from my loud laughing and he would say what’s happening? So I’d have to tell the joke and then explain it because he didn’t get it, meanwhile I’m missing the next joke or 2 until I finally said stay awake so I don’t keep missing it.

It ended, it started over again and we watched it a 2nd time. It ended at 1:08am and I thought I was going to bed but no, I had to come and blog about it lol.

Ok, I know it’s a roast and I know that at a roast they make these horrible tasteless jokes. They are really bad like the one about Roger Ebert and Gary Coleman and how George Hamiltoncalled Hulk Hogan a fag twice. Excuse me? He could wipe the floor with your ass BROTHER! I know it’s a roast, I just hate that word with a passion. Can we please stop using that word? Even the most tasteless comedians wouldn’t say that word because they have more respect for gay people.

Look I don’t mind a good gay joke. I’ve told so many that were funny without insulting people, myself at the very least. After he said that I didn’t find anything else he said funny. I waited for him to get off stage so I could laugh at all the insults thrown in his direction.

Lisa Lampanelli is the funnies one on the Dais. She laughed her butt off with every joke at her expense. She loves to be made fun of because she knows that it’s all for the show and all in fun. That’s why I love her.

Anyway, it’s late, I’m sure it will repeat for those who forgot, if so make sure you don’t forget. He sings at the end.

Justin Timberlake Goes Gay For Pay

On By Michel McDonaldIn Celebrities, Humor, Movies, TVLeave a comment

Justin Timberlake Will Play Gay for Upcoming TV Series – Source PopEater.com

I love Justin Timberlake and I was thrilled to read that he is going to be doing the voice of a gay character in the animated Family Guy spin-off The Cleveland Show. He will be playing Paul who will be the love interest of Terry.

Terry Kimple?  The guy with the mustache?  Seriously?  I never would have taken him for gay.  That surprises me and is hilarious at the same time.

I have mixed feelings about this because on one hand I think it’s awesome that he is going to play any role on a show that I watch but at the same time, a lot of straight people who act gay for a tv series or movie tend to overact the part because they or the director think that is how a typical gay person acts. And yes, sometimes they are spot on certain gay people but that’s not how all gay people act and it comes off as condescending to me sometimes.

When Will and Grace was on the air I didn’t know that Eric McCormack was actually Straight but I thought he portrayed the typical gay man perfect. He couldn’t be more perfect for the role of Will Truman. He wasn’t overly feminine in the show, although he had his moments but don’t we all?

It will be interesting to see how Justin plays a gay character in The Cleveland show when it airs. Either way, my opinion of him most likely won’t change because he is just so funny to me. I loved his SNL music video skit of D*** in a box, that was hilarious lol.

Oh, he’s not only playing Paul but he’s also playing a singing booger.  Rallo’s booger in fact.  That is hilarious and something I would’ve expected him to do.

Tech Support…

On By Michel McDonaldIn Humor, JokeLeave a comment

A friend sent this email to me today, it’s hilarious.  I’m copying and pasting it into this blog post, editing it a bit to make it easier to read.  This ought to give you a good chuckle.

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one…

Customer: Hi, this is Celine .. I can’t get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.

Customer: No , wait a minute. I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry…

Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello… I can’t print.

Tech support: Would you click on ‘start’ for me and….

Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates..

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it.

Customer: I have problems printing in red..

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.

Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: ! OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah that one does work..

Tech support: Your password is the small letter ‘a’ as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

Customer: I can’t get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five dots.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry… Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I’m writing my first email.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: ‘No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.’

And last but not least…

Tech support: ‘Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.’

Customer: I don’t have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: ‘P’…..on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Scared Shitless from YouTube

On By Michel McDonaldIn HumorLeave a comment

Have you seen these videos on YouTube that claim that there is a “real ghost” or a “car accident” and they show a car driving on a road.  You see a lot of green grass and trees and it’s winding down this road then all of a sudden this scary figure of a female ghost shows up on the screen and you hear a screaming sound.  All of a sudden your legs slam into the keyboard tray, your glasses have also flown up in the air and landed in your lap and one of the arms are now bent and the headphones that were turned up full blast are on the floor.

Yeah, I hate it when they do that on YouTube.

Want to see the video I’m talking about?  Are you sure?  Are you absolutely sure?  Be 100% positive that you want to see it.  If you have a heart condition please do not watch this.  Now please turn your volume down or off, remove your glasses, push in your keyboard tray and click here.  I will not be held liable for anything happening.

Girlfriend Doesn’t Realize Boyfriend Is In Europe

On By Michel McDonaldIn HumorLeave a comment

Have you seen or heard about this?

httpvh://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2AV3cmEWX4

I had something similar happen.  I got a call from my aunt telling me that my grandmother was dying and she asked for me so I took the Amtrak bus down to Palmdale, CA and spent a week with my family until my grandmother passed away.  After she passed away I checked my email and this friend of mine had sent me a few emails just yelling at me for ignoring her.

I emailed her before I left telling her that I was going to be gone for a week and she thought I would have internet access where I was going.  My aunt had dial-up and it’s not cool to go to someones house and tie their phone line up so I just didn’t read email at all.  I had my cell phone on the whole time and I would talk to Darrin which was the most important person I needed to talk to, nobody else.

So I told her that I was visiting my aunts and that my grandmother had just died.  I think she sent me 2-4 emails and was basically very cross with me in all of them for ignoring her lol.  She ended the friendship but when I finally emailed her and told her what happened she was sorry for saying all of those things.  We’re still friends but it took a long time for her to realize that I wasn’t going away and she would have to just deal with it lol.