My Christmas List

Dear Santa Claus,

Hey dawg, long time no see.  I haven’t seen you since the mid 80′s.  Actually the last thing you ever got me was a carton of cigarettes when I was 16 years old.  Yeah, uh, I meant to tell you that I appreciated not having to spend the money on them anyway but that wasn’t exactly on my list for that particular year.  I think I would’ve rather just had a lump of coal.

I’m 40 now and I think I’ve been a very good little boy, go ahead, check  your list there.  See me?

Here is my new updated top 10 list of things that I would like to have for Christmas this year.

  1. A new pair of eyeballs so that I don’t have to wear glasses anymore.
  2. A new pair of hands/arms so I don’t have carpel tunnel syndrome anymore.
  3. A new spine so I don’t have arthritis in my back anymore.
  4. The fountain of youth at least to stop the wrinkles that are starting to form in my hands and on my face.
  5. A new tongue with all new taste buds and all new food cravings so I crave healthy foods instead of junk foods all the time.
  6. Energy and motivation to lose weight so I don’t have sleep apnea anymore.
  7. A new liver since mine has been abused by all the medicines I’ve been taking over the last 16 years to stay alive.
  8. Give me the patience and strength to put up with people who want to bring me down day in and day out.
  9. A closer relationship with my friends and family and maybe even more blog readers.
  10. And finally Santa, I’d like a new dish pan because mine is falling apart.

What did you think #10 would be?  Peace on earth?  I’m already making 9 unrealistic requests, the least I could  do is ask for something practical that might be sold at Macy’s.

Advertisements

Target Commercials with Maria Bamford

wwwvh.youtube.com/watch?v=NCLyOdoBcE0

Ever wonder who this lady is in the new Target commercials?  She is comedian Maria Bamford.  I think I’ve seen all of her stand up specials on Comedy Central over the years, although she hasn’t had one in a long time.

What I love about her is her voices.  Her “normal” voice is like a little child, or at least that’s the voice she uses as her regular voice but we all know that it’s part of the joke.  She does these other voices that I’m pretty sure is her real normal voice.  I think she’s hilarious and I’m glad she’sworking at least even if it is for Target.

Dirty Text Message

Darrin was at work the other day and his phone gave him that text message ring.  It’s 1 little ring with a vibrate so it doesn’t say “answer me” just that “you got a text”.  Unfortunately, he got it while he was helping a customer and since he is new to having a cell phone, he doesn’t know the difference in the rings.

He pulled his cell phone from his pocket and saw the message on the screen and pushed the appropriate button and downloaded the text.  This is what he saw:

FWD:FW: Fw: New Message

“Ricky has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says, “How you doin?” “Ricky says, “Okay, but do me a favor mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.” Mick goes upstairs and sees Ricky’s gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed naked. He says, “Your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you.” They say, “Prove it.” Mick shouts downstairs, “Ricky, both of em?” Ricky shouts back, “Of course both of em, What’s the point of f***in one?”

First of all, Darrin barely has a sense of humor and second, he just bought the phone so his phone number is brand new so he can kind of understand that people are going to be getting the wrong number but wouldn’t you think you would have your friends correct phone number in your contact list?

Darrin called that phone number up and when the voice mail picked up he starts screaming into the phone saying (I’m not quoting him) that this sexual lesbian pornographic text message was sent to his 10-year-old daughter blah blah blah.

The point he was trying to make was that this message could have gone to a child instead of an adult.  Basically saying, get the right number from now on or you’re gonna be in big trouble.  He threatened to call the cops but that was just to put the fear of god into them.

My point for blogging about this is that if you are going to send text messages to people, whether they are clean or not, make sure you got the right number because you could end up sending nude pictures to the wrong person, next time it could go to a FBI agent or a child.  Either way, you could end up going to jail because it is illegal to send nude images in emails and I’m sure, in text emails over the phone, especially to children.

Note that I blurred out the certain body parts and faces of the women in the image above and I cleaned up the “f-word” so it doesn’t offend.

Colbert Testimony Before Congress (House Subcommittee)

Stephen Colbert testified before congress about immigration and people were not amused at all. Although I found his speech hilarious, I do find that it was a waste of time for congress. He could have just put the skit into his show and Congress could’ve watched it from the comfort of their homes or offices.

People are saying he is making a mockery of the congressional hearing, well, wasn’t that his point of being there? He was asked to be there by the congresswoman that he mentioned and later she said that she didn’t know he was going to be in character. Come on, he’s StephenColbert. If you know anything about him it’s that he’s like Lady Gaga or Kathy Griffin, always in character.

Again, I found it hilarious but that’s just me. What do you think?

Amplify’d from www.youtube.com

Colbert Testimony Before Congress (House Subcommittee)

(there was a video here but it was removed by the user who uploaded it)

See this Amp at http://amplify.com/u/b3le

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

Someone emailed this to me and I thought it was too funny not to post.  Oh and, sorry about the all caps but that’s how it came to me and I refused to type it all out in non-caps because my back is killing me and frankly I have better things to do with my time.  If it’s difficult to read, then don’t read it.

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

Please enjoy and understand the following

1. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTI PASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Tech Support…

A friend sent this email to me today, it’s hilarious.  I’m copying and pasting it into this blog post, editing it a bit to make it easier to read.  This ought to give you a good chuckle.

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one…

Customer: Hi, this is Celine .. I can’t get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.

Customer: No , wait a minute. I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry…

Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello… I can’t print.

Tech support: Would you click on ‘start’ for me and….

Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates..

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it.

Customer: I have problems printing in red..

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.

Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: ! OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah that one does work..

Tech support: Your password is the small letter ‘a’ as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

Customer: I can’t get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five dots.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry… Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I’m writing my first email.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: ‘No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.’

And last but not least…

Tech support: ‘Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.’

Customer: I don’t have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: ‘P’…..on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Fart Jokes

Why is it that fart jokes are just so much fun?  You are so embarrassed when you do fart when you get caught, that is unless you did it on purpose to get a reaction out of people.  Or when you hold out your finger to a child and say pull my finger.  It’s just that the sound of a fart is hilarious.  The smell however is the most nasty, disgusting thing so there is a bad side to it lol.

However, there are some people who just detest making light of a fart.  They are such uptight people who think they are better than the rest of the world because they think a fart joke is in bad taste.  Uh, Hello!  Fart jokes are in bad taste, we realize this.  It still makes me laugh when I see someone farting in a movie and they can’t control it.

I watch South Park.  OK, did I just hear someone say nuff said?  That guy is right.  South Park is chock full o fart jokes and even though it’s so dumb and stupid it’s hilarious and I can’t stop laughing.

Get over it people.  Oh, one more thing, would you do me a favor?  Can you just pull my finger?  It will make me feel so much better.  Go on, you know you want to.

Ahhhhhhhh thank you so much I feel so much better.  Now you’re gonna want to clear the room.  It’s for your own safety.