Depression

depression-1

Do you mind if I vent for a minute?  I wouldn’t normally blog about this because it happens to me a lot, but sometimes I just have to get it out.

Imagine being in high school and the other kids are pointing and laughing at you because of whatever reason.  You don’t quite fit their definition of the perfect human, so they point and laugh.  Well, imagine being 42 years old and people (adults) driving by your house while you’re walking the dog and they slow down as they are passing you and are blatantly pointing and laughing at you.  Not just one person in the car, but the driver and his three passengers.  It doesn’t feel good, I know because that happens to me a lot, in fact it happened to me again today.

There is an apartment building in our neighborhood that just so happens to be a section-8 apartment building, not that there is anything wrong with people who have to be on section-8, but that apartment seems to attract the lowest of the low.  There are mostly gang members and ever since they moved in to that building last year, they have been calling me “Big Gay Al” whenever I ride to the store.  As a matter of fact, I was exercising on my bike, riding 23 miles a day trying to lose weight and it was their “Big Gay Al” that made me stop riding.  It put me in a deep depression and I just gave up on trying to lose weight.  Since then they drive by laughing at me.

What’s funny is that they walk by the house all the time either alone or in groups and never once say a word to me, it’s only when they are in their car when they start spewing all this vile hatred at me.  That to me is cowardly.  I mean, calling me names is cowardly on it’s own, but doing it in a way that they don’t have to worry about confrontation because they have a vehicle to drive away is even more cowardly.

Look, I know it’s not going to be the rest of my life, that these asshats are only here until either their lease is up or until they get so many complaints that they end up getting evicted, but it still hurts that I have to be the target.  I’m sure they pick on other people, but I seem to be one of their main targets.  And it’s not just them, there have been other tenants who have targeted me and they tortured me for the duration of their tenancy in that building.  I don’t know how or why I have become the target though.  Is it because I am bald, fat, gay or all of the above?

I am just so irritated.  I’ve been down in the dumps the whole day because of it.  When I get upset I have panic attacks and all of a sudden I’m really hungry and have to eat whatever I can get my hands on.  I don’t want to blame people for my obesity, but they are certainly a factor.

“It Gets Better!”  I just have to keep telling myself that.

I just want to cry my eyes out because I don’t know what else to do.  I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I know blogging about this didn’t make me feel any better, but it was a step.  I’m sorry you had to read that lol.

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Final Edit Of My Book

My book is nearly completed.  I have finally finished editing it but I have to read it one last time to make absolutely sure that it is right before I publish it.  While I was editing chapter 40, it occurred to me that I may have left something out of chapter 20.  I went back and as I was reading a few paragraphs to find where I needed to add, I found 4 errors.  That means that I am not completely finished.

It only took me 2 months to write it, but it has taken me 4 more months to edit it.  I never knew that writing a book was so difficult.  It really makes me appreciate the hard work that writers and editors do.  I am constantly remembering things that I want to add, discovering discrepancies, spelling, grammar errors and redundancy.  Writing is hard ya’ll!  LOL.

I had a good laugh today because when I finished editing the book, I had lost 15 pages from the ODT (OpenOffice) file.  It was originally 182 pages and now it’s 167.  The epub file on my Book had 289 pages, but edited it has 302.  It doesn’t make any sense to me that I lost 15 pages in the ODT file, but gained 13 in the epub file.

What happened to all of those page numbers is that I had too many paragraphs because I split too many thoughts up.  I combined the paragraphs which made me lose pages.  I also deleted a ton of things, but then I also added some things which gave me 5000 more words.  I think that was why I gained 13 pages in the epub file.

My cover is finished and I have shared it with a few people to get some opinions.  So far I haven’t had too many complaints.  It was my 4th or 5th cover design job.  I liked the first couple of covers, but none of them really stood out as much as the final cover does.  I am really happy with it and that is all that matters.

I uploaded the epub file so that I could read it one last time on my Nook.  I hope I don’t find any errors, but if I do, I can jump on the computer and find where they are and fix them.  I have never read one book so many times on a white screen until now and it’s killing my eyes.

I have spent a lot of time on this book and have started feeling bad for my family because of how I talk about them.  But then I look at a picture of my step-dad and realize, I’m writing this because of him.  He never cared enough about me to stop beating me, or enough to not hurt my feelings with his words every day my whole life, so why should I give a rats ass about his feelings?  The arrogant nasty look on his face in all of his pictures is all the motivation I need to keep going.

I didn’t just write this because of him, I wrote it because I want to show what life was/is like for gay people.  What bullying does to gay children, whether it’s the parents doing the bullying, or the children in school or both at the same time.  I want to share my first hand experiences and give a message to the gay teens that it gets better.  I hope that it opens eyes and helps someone who may need advice on how to cope with it.

Anyway, the book will be published after Christmas this year so stay tuned for the blog post announcing it.

Thank you for reading.

Allen Gregory

This new show on Fox called Allen Gregory has been so hyped up because it was co-created by Jonah Hill.  I saw him in an interview on Attack of the Show a couple of weeks ago talking about how awesome this show was going to be.

I have seen previews for movies that he was in but they never interested me enough to go see them.  Since I haven’t really seen him in anything, I didn’t really know him well enough to judge whether I would like the show or not.  I figured that because he was so popular that I was sure it would have to be hilarious.

Tonight was the series premiere and I was so beyond mortified.

From what I could tell, Allen Gregory who was adopted by a gay man voiced by French Stewart has been home schooled by his adopted fathers “boyfriend” who turns out to really be straight.

His adopted father is going broke so he was forced to send Allen Gregory to public school with his adopted sister who nobody really likes and comedy is supposed to ensue.

Because his father is going broke, he is forcing his “boyfriend” to get a job but he doesn’t want to get a job.

Allen Gregory and his adopted father treat everyone like they are second class citizens while they are the superior beings.  They brings bullying to a whole new low.

I thought it was going to be so great that TV would finally have a gay couple who were raising children but it turns out that it was all a big fat lie.  Only one of the two in the couple are gay, the other one is being forced to be gay against his will and I am feeling sick to my stomach thinking about how wrong that plot is.

Dear Jonah Hill, don’t bring gay people down in your sick twisted show by making them out to be these horrible people who are forcing straight people to be gay so that you can get a laugh out of it.  It isn’t funny at all.  And you are not helping anyone’s causing with all of the bullying in your cartoon either.

I won’t even go into how disturbed I was that a so-called 7-year-old child was sexually attracted to his principal who was in her 60’s.  What was that?  Reverse pedophilia?

Come on Jonah Hill, I don’t know you but I know you are better than that.  Oh and you French Stewart, I can’t believe that you would be involved in this garbage.

I won’t be watching this show next week, I can’t wait for Bob’s Burgers to come back on.

No Christmas Photos To Share

I am very sad to say that there will be no photographic memories of our time in San Diego for Christmas. I didn’t take any pictures but there were lots of pictures taken of me that are now gone.

Chips brother took all the pictures and I’ve been waiting for him to post them all on Facebook. I emailed him yesterday asking him if he could please post them so I can share them here but he responded to me by telling me that his fanny pack had been stolen. His fanny pack had his blackberry, wallet with credit cards and his camera.

I’m very sorry for him that he now has to replace all that stuff but unfortunately there is no way to replace pictures.

What kind of person steals your fanny pack 2 days after Christmas? And what kind of person doesn’t say “you know what, he may need this SD card back at the very least to keep his memories with him always?” then mail it to him with no return address. I mean really people, you’re just going to turn around and sell the camera, it won’t go down in value if it doesn’t have an SD card in it.

All I can do is describe some of the photos.

When I showed the stockings to him, he wanted me to pose in front of the tree with each stocking one by one then with all 3 and since I don’t have 3 hands I had to rest one on my chest and since it was felt, it stayed on my chest. That made everyone laugh.

Random pictures throughout 2 Christmas parties in 2 days.

When the kids saw their stockings under the tree they were very excited and they got their picture taken holding them. Then everyone wanted to get the picture of the kids with me since I made them so Jordan who is the oldest and who got the santa stocking stood to my left and Andrew who got the snowman stocking sat on my left leg while Noah who got the angel stocking sat on my right leg while I held him since he didn’t want to be there lol. All the stockings were being held up to show them and the 2 kids had a huge ear to ear smile on their faces.

That last picture was really the picture that I was going to post here but since it’s now in the hands of a thief, I can never share them. So thank you to the Grinch who stole my Christmas moment from me.

Bored

I get bored easily, real easily.  When I find an interest in something it’s all I can think of, talk of, even dream of.  But as with everything I get bored with it after awhile.

The boredom graveyard:

Facebook, YouTube, MySpace, EverQuest, crafts, Snood, Just video games in general, the internet… my computer….  my bike?  Maybe soon.

I don’t know, I still visit those websites I’m bored with hoping to find something that will spark an interest again, except for EverQuest because that’s not free to explore.  They charge you $15 a month so it’s not good to be bored with something that you have to pay to play.

I guess I’m just bored with everything, life included.  I’m bored with people who think they are funny.  Wait a minute… I think I’m funny.  Am I bored with myself?  Good lord, I’m bored with myself!  UGH!  I need to make myself laugh and if I can’t do that then I have no hope for humanity.

Yummy Pigeons

I found this a couple of years ago in the kitchen with a lot of other recipes and I just couldn’t resist scanning it lol.  I’m not sure if Opal ever made this but just reading the recipe will make anyone cringe and laugh at the same time.  I don’t know how old this is but I’m certainly glad I didn’t live during the time that it was acceptable to eat pigeons on toast with gravy.

Fart Jokes

Why is it that fart jokes are just so much fun?  You are so embarrassed when you do fart when you get caught, that is unless you did it on purpose to get a reaction out of people.  Or when you hold out your finger to a child and say pull my finger.  It’s just that the sound of a fart is hilarious.  The smell however is the most nasty, disgusting thing so there is a bad side to it lol.

However, there are some people who just detest making light of a fart.  They are such uptight people who think they are better than the rest of the world because they think a fart joke is in bad taste.  Uh, Hello!  Fart jokes are in bad taste, we realize this.  It still makes me laugh when I see someone farting in a movie and they can’t control it.

I watch South Park.  OK, did I just hear someone say nuff said?  That guy is right.  South Park is chock full o fart jokes and even though it’s so dumb and stupid it’s hilarious and I can’t stop laughing.

Get over it people.  Oh, one more thing, would you do me a favor?  Can you just pull my finger?  It will make me feel so much better.  Go on, you know you want to.

Ahhhhhhhh thank you so much I feel so much better.  Now you’re gonna want to clear the room.  It’s for your own safety.