My Most Embarrassing Moment in History

I know that every time something embarrassing happens to me I always say that it is the most embarrassing moment in my life but I have to say that those don’t even compare to what happened to me today.

Ok so we went to Albertson’s this morning before Darrin dropped me off at the doctors off before he went to work.  He bought some toothpaste because we were out and he also grabbed a 1 liter bottle of flavored water for himself and 1 for me too.  So he drops me off at the doctor’s office and I go in, sign in, sit down and am watching TV and waiting patiently to be called.  Then tragedy struck.

You know when you have a room temperature bottle of sparkling water or soda or something and you unscrew the cap and it starts to fizz up so you have to open then close the lid over and over because if you don’t it explodes all over the place?  I had already done that and taken a sip or 2 out of the water.  Well, I was sitting there just watching TV and I opened the lid and all was fine, no fizzing occurred.  I put the bottle up to my mouth and it just exploded all over me.  OMG!

My whole front was completely soaking wet.  At first I thought it was a dream, I must be sleeping still at home.  I’m asleep and the people in the waiting room don’t even acknowledge my existence here.  Unfortunately, the realization came over me that I was indeed awake and there were other people in the waiting room staring at me.  The only thing that I could say was “that did not just happen to me”.

When it happened it was just so fast, so all of a sudden.  I wasn’t expecting that to happen, although I guess nobody does really.  I tried stopping it by pressing my lips around the bottle but the pressure built up in my mouth and I had to let go so I put my finger in the bottle as if I were a little dutch boy trying to stop the flow of water in the hole in a dam.

So desperately I went over to the door and started knocking on it and I heard Donna say hang on and I’m like ok, this is sort of an emergency, I need someone to please assist in my suicide lol.  So she opens the door and I walk in and she had this look on her face like OMG what happened.  I said my water exploded all over me.  She said it looks like I peed then threw up all over my shirt (as if I had a liquid lunch lol there were no chunks, just water).  I went to the bathroom and blotted as much as I could but no matter how many paper towels I used, I wouldn’t come out of it dry.

So then I went back to the door to the waiting room and said please don’t make me go back out there.  Then Jennifer comes along and sees me and I thought it would be funny to tell her “I’m really nervous today” at which point her jaw hit the ground.  She knows that I would never piss my pants and she saw the water bottle so she started laughing.  I told her my best course of action is to just pour the rest of it down the front of my shorts to even it out lol.

But luckily it started drying fast and by the time I left the doctor’s office my shorts were completely dry.  So at least I didn’t have to ride the bus with wet shorts on.  I guess this is my karma for talking trash about the Jonas Brothers the other night.  But in my defense I did delete it before anyone could see what a jerk I was.  Then again I’m sure a few people saw it in the 2 minutes it took me to decide to delete it, but I doubt it.

Deadly Pet Toys

We got our Toy Chihuahua last year so we’ve had her for maybe a year and 2 months.  When we first got her we went to PetSmart and bought her this little toy that is a green frog with a squeaker inside of it.  She loves that frog.  She’s always playing with it and her favorite thing is to bite down on the squeaker to make it squeak.

She’s chewed the hell out of that frog and she’s even torn the fabric so that she was able to access the squeaker and she chewed the tip of it off.  This was like 6 months or so ago.  I took the squeaker out and threw it away when I realized what she had one.

About a month ago I found the spare squeaker that came with the frog and there is an access in the back of the frog with Velcro so you can remove the one inside and replace it.  Well, even though she chewed the hell out of the stomach it didn’t occur to me that she might try to chew the spare squeaker the same way.  I don’t know why.  I forgot that she did it to the first one so it didn’t really occur to me to not put the second one in there.

Today Darrin was laying on the couch talking to his brother on the phone and our dog Flower was laying next to his feet just going to town on this frog.  I saw how passionate she was chewing on this thing and it didn’t occur to me that she might have been chewing the tip of the squeaker.

Darrin got off the phone and I noticed that she was clawing at her face.  I went over to her and picked up the frog and she didn’t try to get it back, she was still clawing at her face.  She had this look of horror in her eyes.  I could tell she was in trouble but I didn’t know what to do.  I looked at the squeaker and the tip was gone.  The part that makes the squeaking sound was laying on the couch where she was laying all by itself next to the frog and I realized she was choking on something.

I put my finger in her mouth and I could feel it in her throat but I couldn’t get at it.  I accidentally pushed it in her throat and she was struggling still.  I knew she couldn’t breathe at all.  I told Darrin to blow inside her mouth to help her out but he didn’t know what I meant.  He put his lips up to her mouth and blew on them, I grabbed her and put her entire snout into my mouth and just blew and then chip squeezed her chest and you could hear a popping sound, the plastic piece shot out of her mouth and fell onto the floor.

OMFG!!!  I was in total panic mode, I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t know what I was doing when I blew in her mouth, I thought I was helping her but at the same time I would’ve been hurting her.  If it weren’t for Darrin squeezing her chest she would’ve been dead.

I immediately threw the frog away and took a picture of the squeaker.  You can see in the picture the piece that she had stuck in her throat, it’s the thing that the arrow is pointing to.

squeeker

I can only imagine what might have happened if we weren’t home to see this happening, what we might have walked in on one day.  I might have been on my bike ride and come home to find a dead toy chihuahua laying on the living room floor or on the couch.  Or we might come home from the movies or from going out to dinner.  I will never ever buy another toy with one of these things in it ever again.  And if I find a toy that has one, I’m going to take it out first.

My aunt Louise takes them out.  When I went to visit her for Christmas in Texas someone bought her dogs some toys and she took the squeakers out but I didn’t know why, now I know.  They are killers.  But her dogs are a lot bigger than mine, like Golden Retriever sized dogs.  Our dog is smaller than a cat.  Like half the size of a cat.  I never even imagined this would happen but now I do and I’ve learned from it.